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    SUBMISSIVE PANTYHOSE FEMME



    Erica's Diary - The Making of a Crossdresser Confessions of a Crossdresser

    I am a crossdresser. It is an addiction. I’ve tried, but I really can’t stop myself: fantasies, endless looking at pornography, shopping, dressing, masturbation, and inevitably, seeking men to please. I started out as a panty fantasizer and have progressed. If I was a woman, I would be a cum dumpster. Intelligent, attractive, clean, classy, a good dresser, subtly sexy, and fit… but obsessed with a man’s sperm! I have been unable to control myself wanting to be a woman. I’m married, with k**s and I have even been through years of therapy, first for the pornography, and then for the crossdressing. I love my wife and want to stay married.

    But, I am a crossdresser. I enjoy dressing as a woman, including make-up and a wig. I find this “fantasy” personality dangerously exciting. I like to call myself “Erica”, or sometimes, “Susan”. I think my wife suspects, but we have never talked about it directly. I have learned that it takes work to serve men!

    Here is my story. The beginning is my best recollection. Later in the dairy, I transition to real-time recording of my acting out. I love it so…

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    Wet Dreams to Driver’s License
    I had no clue what was going on when I awoke after my first wet dream. My pajamas were a mess, but I felt good somehow. I wondered if I had wet myself. I just didn’t understand. Finally, at a Scout campout, I overhead some boys talking about having “pop parties” and “jerking off”. I realized that they were talking about becoming a man and how one’s penis grew into a sex object. A “pop party” was where a small group of boys would all jerk off and race to see who could climax first!

    I was too scared to ask any questions. I had 7th grade health class where they talked about “intercourse” and how boys were different from girls. I heard about “getting pregnant” and about “VD”. I noticed girls developing and starting to wear bras under their blouses. Then I discovered the pleasure of having an orgasm.

    I can remember learning about how to pleasure myself while looking at the women’s underwear photos in the Sears catalog (yes, this was many years ago). Some of them were very sexy for a teenage boy. I particularly enjoyed the matching bra and bikini panty sets. I masturbated regularly behind the closed door of my bedroom as I looked through the catalogs. I don’t know how many boxes of Kleenex I went through! I have loved woman’s panties, bras and intimate apparel ever since.

    Then, on the way home from school one afternoon, I stopped at the local convenience store. In their magazine section was an assortment of “girly” magazines! On the front cover of “Club”, was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen: reddish blond shoulder length wavy hair, bright green eyes, innocent smile, arms crossed over her smallish breasts as if to hide them, and wearing a pair of sheer, white, lace paneled nylon bikini panties! I could have cum right there! I bravely took the magazine to the woman cashier, she looked at me but didn’t say anything. I secreted that magazine away, rushed home, and jerked off looking at the cover and inside photos! Awesome!

    Once, my mother walked in on me. I had a catalog open to the panty page and I had a Time magazine open with photos of the inside of a Playboy Club, complete with a photo of several topless Bunnies sunning themselves on the roof top. These were “real” women who obviously wanted sex!. I was jerking off, using my usual tissue, when she came in. I quickly rolled over and attempted to close the catalog. She may have known that I was looking at the pics, but I don’t think she knew that I was jerking off. Nothing was ever said. I tore out the Playboy Club photo of the bare breasted beauties, rolled it up, and hid it in a secret compartment of my desk lamp. Between the catalog photos, my porn magazine, and my Playboy pic, I had hours of fun (okay, “hours” comprised of 3-5 minutes of masturbating!)

    Then, I discovered the real thing: panties in the clothes hamper! My sister had several pairs of frilly bikini panties, my favorites were a pair of pale pink ones with the white lace trim. I used to take her panties out of the clothes hamper while the shower was running to cover any noise. I would put them on and jerk off as I watched myself in the mirror. I loved the soft feel of the panties against my cock, and the look of my hard-on stretching against the front panel of the nylon. I would stand in front of the mirror and watch myself. I could shoot a multi-spurt fountain of the mysterious liquid and almost hit the mirror, if I wasn’t careful.

    When she wasn’t home, I’d also go through my mom’s stuff and put on her stockings and bras. I ran some of her hose trying to find a way to configure a makeshift garter belt, so she may have known of my exploring. I never got caught, but I sure did enjoy dressing-up. I still don’t fully understand why I have this fascination with panties and sexy lingerie, but I am certainly hooked.

    I also enjoyed lying in bed masturbating when I could hear the bed creaking when my parents had sex. I tried to listen to hear what was being said, but I couldn’t really tell. It did make some laughter, so they must have been enjoying themselves. Anyway, it made me hard, and I would jerk off.

    Even during these early years, I did like to masturbate a lot. I could cum 3-4 times a day if I wanted to, and I frequently did. When I was jerking off, I could shoot my load up my chest, not quite reaching my chin, and fill my belly button with cum. I wanted to taste it, but couldn’t bring myself to do so.

    I found it exciting thinking about being caught whether it was in my bedroom, in the shower, or going through dresser drawers. As far as I knew, no one suspected my explorations.

    I wanted to taste my own sperm so bad, but I was scared. I didn’t want to think of myself as “gay” and I was worried that it was a perverted thing to do. I could cum in a big way and could fill the little bathroom paper Dixie cups well over half way with sperm! I just couldn’t get myself to drink it!

    I masturbated at home regularly. But once, in the need for excitement, I took my new Polaroid instant camera with me on a bike ride in the woods. When I was alone, I stopped. No one was around and the woods were quiet. I unzipped my jeans to reveal my stiff cock, pressing against the nylon of my sister’s pink panties! What a thrill! I took photos of my cock and the panties with the instant camera, and then couldn’t help myself, and I jerked off, my seed shooting into the wilderness! To my regret, I wasn’t able to snap a photo at the moment of my ejaculation, but it wasn’t for the lack of trying! I just couldn’t cum and take the photo at the same time. I enjoyed the feeling of the panties under my jeans and cumming in the open air. I guess one could consider this my first journey out in public as a newbie crossdresser!

    High School Years 1970-1974
    When I got my driver’s license, the world of dating opened up to me. My first “love” was a girl that I met in the all-county band. Mary Ann lived in a neighboring town. We really fell for each other. When I would visit her, we would make-out and explore each other’s bodies on the sofa in the living room of her parent’s house. They thought it safe as they sat in a neighboring room, unaware of me having my hand down their daughter’s pants! She would rub my erection through my pants, and sometimes put her hand around my erection, and would bring me to orgasm. Many nights I drove home with a sticky mess in my briefs! Mary Ann was really into sex and exploring our bodies. We graduated to walking to the nearby school playground when the night was warm, and came very close to having intercourse, something neither of us really understood.

    Finally, we discovered “parking”. We’d tell her parents we were going to the local Dairy Queen, and then drive to a secluded spot to pull off the road and park. We would kiss, and pet and please each other. Mary Ann insisted that she wanted to give me a blow job. I had no idea what she was talking about. She worked on my cock with her mouth until I came. When I wouldn’t go down on her, she asked me if “it was the smell?” If I only knew then what I know now! Anyway, we lasted for about six months, and then just drifted apart. I later found out that she had come out of the closet as a Lesbian! Mary Ann was one sexy girl!

    I continued to date as a High School Junior. Most of my interests, being a football “jock”, were the Freshman cheer leaders: cute, petite, skinny, perky girls who wore short skirts and big smiles!

    My favorite little freshman blond cheerleader was Judy. She enjoyed kissing and petting. During the summer between my junior and senior years, I would go visit her at her house and her mother, an attractive divorcee, would always leave us alone to watch TV. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I mainly put my hand down her pants and played with her wetness. By the time I left for the evening, my cock was rock hard and my balls would be turning blue!

    She lived in the country, and the back roads were all dark with few cars. I would pull off on a side road, get out and stand by the back bumper, pull out my cock and, well, jerk off in the summer moon light, right there on the road. Then I would drive home.

    I wanted, but never got, a pair of her bikini panties. I particularly remember a frilly pair that I discovered “under a highway bridge” walking home one afternoon from school with her. I slide my had down her jeans and discovered the lacy panties, and then her fuzzy bush, and then her wet pussy. We kissed and I fondled her.

    I would also go visit Judy when she was baby sitting at her aunt’s house during the summer. I wasn’t able to convince her to let me take her picture naked, with her legs open, but I did fantasize about it! We went parking frequently, and many a night after a football game the fall of my Senior year, I would rub her sloppy wet pussy until she came. I loved the smell left on my fingers and the little pubic hairs that were left on the front seat of my car. We even got into a routine after school when on certain days when my mother was away, we would lay on my bed and ravish each other’s bodies. We never had intercourse, but we sure did enjoy each other! We double dated, and even went double parking. I remember once such incident where I was down between her legs, hungrily lapping her pussy, when I glanced up to see the other couple looking over the seat at us! Too cool!


    Then, it was time to go off to college.

    College Discoveries 1974-1978
    When I got to college as a small town freshman, I found myself surrounded by lots of sexy young women. We would drink, and even smoke pot. I was having a wild time. I tried to keep things going at home with Judy, but she cheated on me with a local guy, so I ended our relationship. Now I was free to play the field!

    I didn’t have a roommate my first semester. I purchased some girly magazines, and enjoyed hours of drinking at dorm parties, followed by jerking off in the privacy of my dorm room. I started with Playboy, and had a favorite edition with Barbara Benton. She later became the wife of tennis player, Jimmy Connors, but I loved her panty-clad photos (white, lace, side bows, sheer), and masturbated over her many times. Then I discovered Penthouse, which was even more graphic. I really enjoyed reading the fantasy stories in the Forum section and looking at hairy pussies of the smiling, open legged models. Nice!

    I had a couple of casual dates, all with non-intercourse sex involved. One particularly unattractive girl, Bev, got me stoned one night and then tried to give me a blow job. I couldn’t get it up and that really hurt her feelings. She was known as the blow job queen of the dorm complex. Oh, well…

    I found out that my hometown girlfriend was cheating on me, so we broke-up. Shame. We hadn’t fucked yet, but I thought we would at some point.

    I enjoyed looking at pictures of women in panties, and fantasizing about what lay beneath the sheer nylon. And, like a young teen, I still liked just looking at panties. Unpremeditated, I stumbled on a new trick. I would go down to the dorm’s basement laundry room to wash my clothes. I frequently would take books with me to study and would sit in the laundry room. I watched girls coming and going with their laundry. I dawned on me that they would have panties in their wash load, so, when I was alone, why not check it out? At first, I would take a dry load of a girls clothes out of the drier to empty it for my use. This was the common custom in the laundry room. Checking out the load’s contents, as long as no one else was around, I would look for her panties. No harm, right? Well, then it progressed. Even if the drier was still running, I would open it up and look inside, particularly if I knew the owner of the clothes was a cute girl. Finally, I did it: I removed and stole a woman’s panties. Back in my dorm room, I would look at them, play with them, and even wear them and masturbate even more. I loved the feel of the nylon lace, and I kind of liked feeling feminine. It was a scary sensation. I wasn’t interested in men, so I wasn’t “gay”, but I sure liked fantasizing as a woman. Not being enough, I stole several pair over a couple of months. Not enough to get noticed, very subtle, but it kept me happy.

    Some times, I would jerk off in them, watching my sperm load fill the cotton crotch of the panties. I will allow these panties to dry, leaving a stain and smelling of sex. I had several favorite pair, all full back bikinis, one:
    • sheer pinkish-white lace pair
    • pale yellow stretchy lace, and
    • bright pink with white elastic around the leg openings and top bank.
    I learned who the girl was who had owned them as I would pretend to being doing homework as I waited for my laundry down in the basement laundry room. I enjoyed watching her load her things into the drier, and then would secretly remove a pair. I would never take more than one at a time to avoid being too obvious. I’m sure that she missed them, but as I was never caught, she may or may not have figured out what was going on. (note: later, I met her again as she and her husband lived in the same neighborhood as me and my 1st wife. I enjoyed remembering wearing her panties). Anyway, I would wear a pair, such as the stretchy yellow lace bikinis and cum in the crotch of the white sheer lace or on the front of the bright pink pair. It was a real fantasy turn-on for me. Boy, could I cum! I would cum in them, on them, and with them! I enjoyed the smell of cum-crusted panties, after I had used them and put them away in my drawer. Just that smell, even today, reminds me of a panty covered pussy, dripping with sperm ...my sperm. I wanted to taste my own cum, and even attempted a couple of drunken “up and over” maneuvers to shoot my load in my open mouth, just inches away from my cock head. I would put my legs up on the mattress, put my head on the floor bending to face upwards, and watch my hand pump my shaft as the swollen cockhead dripped its clear liquid on my lips. I could feel my orgasm mounting, and knew I was going to climax. At the last split second, (regretfully), just as I was ready to explode, I would always turn my head and shot my warm stream of sperm down the side of my face instead of in my mouth. Something about the moment of climax that kills thoughts of kinky sex…Damn!

    I began pledging at a Fraternity in the fall of my Freshman year of 1978. The frat house had a lot of girly magazines tossed around in the bathrooms, and I loved the pics of the scantily clad women in their garters, stockings, bras, panties and heels. I would go into the bathroom to “use the facilities”, sit on the toilet, and look at their photos. I was fascinated by the ones with their legs spread open, showing hairy wet pussies. Frequently, I would shoot my load on a photo and have to quietly remove the page from the magazine. My favorite porn magazine became “Club”. It seemed to have the right combination of raunchiness and lingerie-clad women. I also saw ads for a company called “Fredericks of Hollywood”, and they were loaded with sexy looking lingerie. Boldly, I ordered a catalog to be sent to my dorm room. When it arrived, it gave me hours of excited viewing and masturbation!

    I moved into the Fraternity house in the spring of 1975 and continued to look at porn magazines and watch my in-box for my Frederick’s catalog. I wanted to grab the catalog before someone else noticed it. Luckily, no one ever saw it or questioned me.

    I started dating a beautiful, sexy, ex-Majorette, named, Cindy. She was perfect in every way. Our mutual interest in sex led to exploration. Finally, we fucked in her dorm room. Nice! This was my first time. Cindy also liked it when I bought her sexy things. I ordered some things from the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog…this was before the Internet. We both loved the garter belts and stockings. I remember buying and giving her a black garter belt with heavy elastic garters, black hose, and a pair of bright pink micro bikini panties. Then, I began buying stuff that I “intended to give her”, but…well, I kept it myself. I dressed in it, jerked off in it, and even wore it around under my clothes. I guess this was a real step towards crossdressing, although I never thought of it in that way. Best of all: no one knew. What made it all the more exciting is that my girlfriend, Cindy, was a real sex kitten!

    But then it happened. My “sex kitten” blond bomb shell ended up dumping me. Heart breaking. She even came to collect a few of the panties I had bought for her, at least what she knew that I had. She didn’t want me to have “trophies” of our time together. We had fucked regularly, she had sucked my cock, and I even fucked her in her ass one time. Too bad! She could have been a keeper!

    I went through a couple of short term girl friends with heavy petting but no intercourse. One night in the fall of 1975, the guys at the frat house had group sex with some of the Little sisters of the fraternity, and some of us who didn’t get in on the action, at least got to watch from the rooftop near the window into the room. Cool! One girl, got fucked by three guys while another was next to her also getting fucked. Definitely jerked off that night!

    I continued to look at the Frederick’s catalog, and finally got up the courage to attempt a shopping trip to a nearby department store. I wore panties under my jeans and went to the woman’s department. Nervous, and not sure exactly what I was doing or looking for, I discovered a table mounded with “sale” panties. Excitedly, I sorted through the pile of sexy lingerie, selected a yellow pair and went to the check out. I was embarrassed when the young girl clerk looked up from the yellow panties on the counter, and looked at me. “Will this be all?” she asked. I nearly died. I stammered, “Yes. I’m gettinging them for my girlfriend. Do you think she will like yellow?” The clerk just looked at me like I was an idiot, and said “I guess…” and rang up the sale. I went back to the Fraternity house that night, and took the yellow panties into the bathroom with the “Club” magazine, and jerked off in the soft folds. Ah!

    I repeated my shopping, finding shopping for sexy panties to be a real turn-on. It was “dangerous”, and exciting. I also found that I enjoyed wearing my purchases in private. I loved looking at myself dressed in colorful panties, fantasizing about being a woman, and watching as my hand pumped loads of warm sperm out of my manhood! Sometimes, I worried if I was “gay”, but I didn’t really even know what that meant.

    I kept dating and eventually met the woman who was to become my (first) wife. We dated until I graduated. We had regular, if unexciting sex. She used a diaphragm and we only had straight sex, but at least it was something.

    We were separated for six months when I moved to the Mid-west for my first job in 1978, and before she graduated from college. I had no problem entertaining myself via porn magazines and a panty shopping trip or two. I searched for Adult Book Stores whenever I could, and collected a nice selection of porn magazines. My taste in porn remained woman in panties and stockings, but I also discovered I was attracted to hard core porn of women giving blow jobs, and sperm cumshots on their faces.

    Then, we were married.

    First Marriage 1979 - 1993
    My first wife allowed me to try a lot of things with her. I bought her stockings, garters and sexy things that she would wear for me. I ended up fantasizing more about what she was wearing than about her. We had straight sex, and I went down on her, but I couldn’t get her to do me. Oh, well…

    I found that I enjoyed the excitement of shopping for sexy lingerie for her. Just in the town where we lived, which was a college town, I would go into department stores, a local specialty lingerie shop, and even an adult book store, to shop. I gave her some of the things I bought, but then I started my own collection. I hid a couple of bags of lingerie in a closet and she never knew. I worked swing shift and she worked days, so I had a lot of time to myself. I shopped at Sears and Kmart as they had a nice selection of sexy woman’s things.

    I bought sheer baby doll nighties (I remember a frilly pink one and sheer pale blue one, both with matching string panties), garter belts, stockings, bras, panties and finally, heels. Just the excitement of shopping for sexy women’s clothing was worth the thrill. I liked to shop while wearing something sexy under my man-clothes. I found that I needed to put a non-lubricated condom on my cock to keep the pre-cum from soaking through my pants! Sometimes, I would come very close to climaxing while I was shopping. That was so cool! If I had reached down and touched my stiff cock, I knew that I would have exploded! It is a real challenge to keep from showing my delight as I shopped, standing in the panty section of a department store with women all around me, as I handled panties and bras! I wondered if any of them suspected that I was shopping more for myself than for my woman. Women were so lucky to be able to wear such sexy clothing if they so choose to do so.

    There was a local adult theater that I visited a couple of times. I usually went in the morning when I was getting home from working the midnight shift. I would take panties and thigh high hose with me, and change into them at work. Then, I would sit in the mostly deserted theater and watch the porn. I think that this is the first time that I seriously considered approaching another man to offer him a blow job, but I didn’t act on it. I saw a couple of single men in the theater. I wanted a cock in my mouth, but was much too afraid. I didn’t understand my urges. I wanted to be like a woman, but I didn’t want to be gay. Watching a porn star, Seka, who was always dressed in sexy, frilly panties, bra, garter belt, stockings and heels as she would suck and fuck her men, made me want to be like her!

    Not helping my concern about maybe being “gay”, I remember one business trip. I had an upgrade to First Class and the male flight steward paid particular attention to me. I was wearing panties under my clothes and didn’t think much about it as I downed a couple of Scotch Whiskies. Then he bent down to tell me a joke. “Did you hear about the guy who was asked to bend over, and spell “run”?” When I looked up at him, he held my gaze and said, “Get it? R – U – N?” He smiled and moved off. It took me a minute to realize that he was a gay and was coming on to me. He was referring to anal sex! OMG! I tingled but was too scared to take him up on his flirting offer.

    We moved back to the east coast in 1985, and had our first c***d. I did my best to behave. But…

    My lingerie collection grew and I even traveled with it when I went on company business trips. Afraid of discovery, I would go through an emotion that had me get rid of everything that I had. My first (of many to come) purges. At the time, I would convince myself that I needed to stop doing what I was doing, and I would discard my collection. The time, effort and money just didn’t seem worth the risk of getting caught by my wife, or thinking about what I was really doing it all for. Then, after the initial good feeling of “starting clean”, within a week, I would regret what I had done. I really hated it. I got rid of some very sexy stuff. I have never forgotten a favorite pair of sheer, frilly, red panties that I would wear along with a red garter belt and red lace-topped stockings. I remember wearing them under my jeans and how my erect cock could easily pop out of the elastic band at the top. I loved to jerk off while wearing them. I also remember wearing the red lacey panties, the red garter belt and white hose one time while attending a business conference. I needed to visit the men’s room, and knowing that I didn’t want to risk standing at the urinal pulling my red panties aside to pee, I went directly into a stall. I sat on the toilet, pants and red panties down on my white stocking covered legs. I heard someone come in next to me. Then I saw it! It was a woman, wearing heels! OMG! I had gone into the wrong wash room! I hoped my man’s shoes didn’t show under the stall. I waited for her to depart, and then, before anyone else came in, I scurried out. I don’t think anyone saw me. Oh, well…I just loved those red panties. But, they were now gone.

    Then I had a serious car accident in August 1985, and suffered some head injuries. The recovery period was long. My boss had brought a computer to me (back in the days of big desk top computers) to help with my recovery. With my wife working and be being at home for several months, I had a lot of free time to do what I pleased. I found that I fantasized a lot. Then, I began using my computer to write sexy stories about being a “fantasy woman”. Don’t ask me why I started doing this, but it gave me a thrill to record fantasies. I pretended to be a college coed, named Alexis. My mission at school was to serve as a “cum dumster” for as many men as I could. I wrote about having sex as a woman, giving blow jobs, group sex, and everything. It was all very unrealistic, but I enjoyed writing about it. I liked the feeling to be a sexy, intelligent woman, desired by men. Having cocks in every orifice and delighting my men by way of explosive orgasms, was a real turn on for me. I kept the stories on floppy discs for some time, but had to get rid of them to avoid being discovered. I enjoyed writing sexy fantasy stories about being “Alexis”, a college coed “cum dumpster”. I enjoyed fantasizing about being an attractive, young college girl who got introduced to, and then loved, sex. Group sex became her passion. I still didn’t understand my passion of crossdressing or fantasizing as a woman. I wasn’t attracted to men, and didn’t want to be gay, but I did love sperm!

    Time passed, and I finally went back to work. To this day, I wonder if my head trauma contributed to what was to happen years later as a crossdresser. I had also started shopping again and had a secret nice collection of feminine things all over again!

    But, I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted more. I loved the fantasy of being a woman and serving men. My writing and my shopping just fed this fascination. Whenever I had a private moment, whether around the house or while traveling on business, I sought out Adult Book Stores. I would troll the aisles, not knowing what I was really wanting, and would buy a magazine or two. After finding a good photo to masturbate on, I would tear-out a couple of particularly sexy photos of women, and add them to a folder I was keeping of favorite shots.

    I moved into a sales organization in 1988 and began to attend annual meetings, and such. This gave me the opportunity to seek out actual Frederick’s of Hollywood retails stores. I remember finding one in Florida on a trip, and purchasing several garter belts (white and pink) and silky lace-topped and regular stockings (black, white, pink and pale blue). Of course, I also bought panties.

    As the years went by, I cheated on my wife several times with one-night stands. I wasn’t proud of this, but I needed some passion in my sex life. I had opportunities on business trips. Once, while attending a national sales meeting for the business I was with, I went dancing and drinking with some buddies. One guy was known for his ability to pick-up women. Then, to my surprise and delight, a young woman actually hit on me at the bar. One thing led to another and we went back to my place to fuck. I wondered if she wanted a long term relationship, but she just wanted sex. Nice, but I had started down that slippery slope of affairs…

    My next opportunity came on an annual “boys” ski week vacations out to Colorado 1988 - 1991. In each of several years, I always seemed to find a young woman to befriend and screw. I remember one worked in an advertising agency in New York City, and one, named Caroline, was a nurse from CA. The former just wanted sex, that later wanted more. I had lied to her that I was single. Without thinking, I told her roughly where I lived and gave her my real name. She had a great body: trim, athletic, and feminine. She was a great fuck. When I got home, I found a recording on our answering machine from her. OMG! I was lucky that I listened to it and erased it before my wife did. She had tracked me down and called me. My recording on the answering tape, mentioned my name and my wife’s. So, I snuck out of the house to call her. I found a pay phone, and dialed her number. I got an ear full. I listened to her angry tears as she realized that I had lied to her. After two weeks of trying to keep her as my mistress, telling her that I was going to get a divorce, we parted ways. This was a shame as she was really cute and smart. Anyway, six months later, I had a business trip to San Diego. Once at the Del Cornado Hotel, I got drunk and I dressed in panties and stockings in my room. Wanting to have her come over for sex, I called her apartment. I was a mess I was. I left her a message, hoping to get together. If she had contacted me back, what would I have done? Fortunately, I never heard from her. I was sad that I had hurt her so, but my intentions were never honorable from the start. Lesson learned: don’t give out where I live or my last name!

    I continued to visit Adult Book Stores when I traveled. This was before the Internet. I would wear panties under my clothes, and occasionally more. Sometimes I would masturbate in the pep show booths (some even provided rolls of toilet paper). I walked the aisles, glancing at the other men doing the same, and looked at the magazines. I usually would buy one or two showing sexy lingerie or cumshots.

    My collection of lingerie grew and I kept several bags hidden in my drawers and closet. I had panties, bras, nighties, stockings and garters. Finally, I decided to experiment with makeup. I went to a d**g store holding a slip of paper as a shopping list, pretending to be on a shopping trip for my wife. I bought eye shadow, mascara and lip stick. I took these with me on my next business trip, which happened to be to MI. I planned my arrival early so I could go find an Adult Book Store to cruise. I drove my rental car to a dark street near the book store, and struggled into the panties, garter belt and stockings I had brought. I then redressed in my man clothes. While sitting in my darkened rental car, I applied a subtle touch of makeup, just enough that I knew it was there but that wasn’t too obvious. I applied just a touch of mascara and eye shadow with a whisper of dark pink lip stick. Turning on the overhead light and using the visor vanity mirror I looked at my first make-up job. Then, I took another big step: I slipped on the pair of women’s flats that I had bought. Thinking that the shoes, which made me feel sexy, would hardly be noticed, I slid out of the car. This was too exciting. I lost myself in my fantasy of being a woman and walked to the store.

    I remember going inside, and casually strolling the racks of porn magazines. Was I hoping that no one would notice, or hoping that someone would notice? I did see the store clerk glance down at my feet once. Then I realized that my subtle wearing of women’s shoes, even if they were flats, was noticeable. Oh, well…I was so excited and could feel my hard cock in my panties. I moved to the pep show booth area. As I pulled aside the curtain to slip into a booth, I noticed a man watching me. He had also spotted my shoes. I held his gaze for a long moment, and then stepped inside. I didn’t know what to do next! Silently, the curtain opened and the man entered the booth. It was dark, but I could tell that he was older than my 34 years. He slipped a couple of quarters into the pep show machine and the noises and images of women getting fucked filled my senses. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and I got down on my knees. What was I doing?! I unbuckled his pants, found his soft cock, and put it in my virgin mouth. After a few minutes, when it wouldn’t harden (this was pre-Viagara), he lifted me to my feet whispering that “it was ok and his fault”. He put his hand on my erection. OMG! My hard cock twitched to his touch. He undid my pants, and was delighted with finding me wearing a garter belt, stockings and panties. He pressed his hand against my erect, panty-covered cock, and started to masturbate me. Within seconds, I exploded my load in my panties, onto the floor and in his hand. I was embarrassed by my premature ejaculation, but it was my first time. We quickly said our good-byes and he departed. I was in a state of sensual overload. What had I done? Was I glad that he hadn’t cum in my mouth, or disappointed? Oh, my! This truly was a new chapter for me. I departed the booth and the shop to go back to my hotel room, convinced that I wasn’t a “cock sucker” or “gay” as he hadn’t been hard or climaxed in my mouth. I was good.

    Back at home, I frequented a couple of local Adult Books Stores whenever I could get away. I always had meetings for various organizations and clubs, so my coming and going did not raise any eyebrows with my wife. I liked to check the bulletin boards, and scrawled messages in the pep show booths, thinking that I could hook-up with someone. Once, I even tried. I went to a hotel room posted, knocked, ready for I don’t know what. No one answered. I was saved from myself, not for the first time, or the last. I did purchase video porn tapes that I would watch whenever I got a private moment at home. I didn’t think that I could convince me wife to watch porn with me, although the idea was exciting to consider.

    I was getting bolder. We had two Porsches, traveled the world, and enjoyed the consumption of dual incomes. I felt entitled. I started a longer term, more emotional affair, with a young girl in my office. Julie was nice, knew I was unhappy in my marriage, and okay with having secret sex. I don’t know how I pulled this off over a period of months, but if my wife suspected, she didn’t acknowledge it. I would go out to a “meeting” in the evening, and end up at Julie’s apartment. We would have sex, and I would clean up and go back home. I wondered if I smelled of sex, but my wife never said anything. As to be expected, as the flames of our sex dwindled, Julie and I finally drifted apart.

    This was dangerous, and exciting. I was obsessed with sex. Probably good that this was all pre-Internet, or I could have gotten even more carried away.

    I had built up my lingerie collection again, hiding things in plastic hotel laundry bags in my drawers at home. I don’t think that she knew about my collection, but she had allowed me to keep some porno magazines in the house. I wouldn’t “read” them in front of her, and perhaps she herself read some of the stories. I had a half dozen magazines at any one time. I still loved to shop for panties while wearing panties under my clothes. The feel of the soft, sheer panties on my cock and the thrill of looking at all of the sexy panties and bras would cause my erect cock to leak clear pre-cum, wetting the panties. When I returned home, or to my hotel room if I was traveling, I would watch myself in the mirror as I masturbated. The feel of my cock in the panties, and the sight of jerking off while wearing panties was a thrill. I loved it!

    My wife didn’t know about my addiction to panties, and I don’t think I really considered what I was doing and why. Then one day, I boldly, and drunkenly, asked her if I could wear one of her thongs during our sex act. She agreed, and wearing her red thong, my rock hard cock protruding from the elastic waist band, we had passionate sex. I loved the sensation of the soft panties on my hips as I fucked her. So, I started wearing her panties on special occasions when we had sex. I was the director of all of this, but she did comply. I don’t think she suspected that I enjoyed wearing panties. She thought it was just a kinky way to spice things up when we were having sex.

    In my browsing of the local Adult stores, fascinated by the large rubber cocks on display in the cases, I purchased, over time, several vibrators to use on my wife. I started with a traditional white one. She was reluctant the night I first introduced her to it, but after sharing the bottle of wine with me, agreed to my using it on her. She loved it. I slide down between her open legs as she watched with her head on her pillow. He pussy smelled great and she easily became wet as I kissed and licked her hairy, glistening pussy lips. Switching on the vibrator, the humming noise seemed loud. I gently began touching her sensitive area with it. As she got comfortable, her hips began to respond. Glancing up, her eyes were closed, enjoying the sensations. I gently drove the white, vibrating monster deep inside of her wetness, and she moaned. Lying between her open legs, my hard cock under me, watching her pussy swallow-up the vibrator, was so exciting! It was all I could do not to cum myself. I moved the vibrator ins and out of her pussy and her hips began to move as if they had a mind all their own. With a cry, her body shook and her hips thrust up hard! She came! Reaching down to pull me up to fuck her, I pulled out the vibrator and, still buzzing, tossed it aside. I entered her warm wetness and our hips thrust together violently. I came quickly and filled her climaxing pussy with strong spurts of my sperm. Exhausted, we collapsed. I switched off the humming vibrator and he snuggled together without a word.

    Based on this first adventure, I started buying other styles and colors: purple, pink, and a large realistic cock-shaped gyrator. I can vividly recall lying between her open legs, working the large cock vibrator in and out of her wet pussy. My face was inches away from her bush as I stretched her pussy with this monster. She loved it! So did I. She would buck and climax like a champ! Me getting my rocks off inside of her was just icing on the cake for both of us. I suspected that she used these sex toys when I was away traveling and masturbated herself. I found the idea of this exciting.

    I had a business convention come up in 1992 that was being held out in Las Vegas. I was away from home, and enjoying the drinking and signs of sex everywhere. I found an adult book store and purchased a nice, think glossy publication of cum shots. Then, one night, I did something I had never even considered before: for the first 9and only) time in my life that I hired a prostitute. I had scanned the free publications you could find on every street corner, picked a woman who looked good in a garter belt and stockings, and called for her to come visit me at the hotel. I was drunk, but I knew what I was doing. The first indication that my fantasy fuck was not going to be as I had imaged was when she came to the door wearing pants. No skirt or stockings! I was disappointed. We talked price and I gave her my last $100. I told her to lay on the bed and masturbate for me. She did a lame job of that. Then, I told her that I just wanted a blow job. She wouldn’t let me kiss her, and she had me wear a condom to give me that blow job. It was over in a flash. I suffer from premature ejaculation and this was no exception. Within 2 minutes, I came. She looked at the sperm filled condom, looked at me, and asked “so, are you done?” I felt like a fool. She stood and left. After she left, the cum filled condom remained. I started looking at porn using the dial-up connection on my laptop. This was early on with the free Internet porn sites, and slipped on a pair of panties I had brought with me. Enough time had elapsed since I had cum that I was feeling horny again. I saw my used, sperm filled, condom lying on the sheets of my hotel bed. What the heck! On a whim, I put the used condom in my mouth and then sucked it inside-out, releasing its load of my sperm into my mouth. I swallowed my sperm load and licked the condom. I liked it. This was my first time having cum in my mouth. Finally!

    I continued buying stuff and dressing and looking at porn and masturbating, all the while still having sex with my wife once per week. She would dress for me and allow me to fuck her while she was wearing stockings and a garter belt.

    I also worked to keep her well filled with my sperm. Although she wouldn’t consider giving me a blowjob, I initiated oral sex on her. I think she liked me going down on her more than me fucking her. 

    But, things weren’t good with our relationship. Through work, I met, and I fell in love with a new woman in 1993, who is now my current and final wife. We started dating before either of us was divorced. We didn’t have sex for several months until we booked adjoining rooms at a historic bed and breakfast. That night, after dinner, drinks, and a hand-in-hand stroll around the village, we ended up in bed together. I think that this was the night she made up her mind to leave her husband. After this first time, we found ways to secret ourselves away in B-and-B’s and enjoy romantic, loving sex.

    When we were secretly dating, and we were both still married, we fucked in her house one afternoon. We were returning from one of our joint business trips and I was just dropping her off. Her husband was at work and I went inside with her to say good by. One thing lead to another and we ended up in each other’s arms. We tore each other’s clothes off and had sex on the floor of their family room. I got carpet burns on my knees, but it was exciting thinking about doing another man’s wife in their own house!

    My 1st wife then found a woman’s sweater in my car, and discovered some hot email notes I had printed that I had sent to my new lover. Confronted, I told her that I wanted a divorce. It got very messy. I moved out and the legal battles began.

    Fortunately, I had by collection of sexy items when I moved out to a townhouse in the city. In the divorce, the property was split with my first wife. What was fascinating was that she evenly divided the vibrators, choosing the ones she wanted first, and then giving me the remaining ones! She did catch me with bags of lingerie when I was attempting to move out. She inspected the trunk of my car and discovered them. Although she asked me about it, I never divulged their origin and use. I think she believed that they were trophies from my “other women”.

    I purchased an inflatable “woman” and, while dressed myself, would dress and fuck this submissive doll in the quiet of my new apartment. I tried to have oral sex, or to kiss her mouth, after I had filled one of those openings with my sperm, but again, the drop of my post-orgasm passions just didn’t allow me to do so.

    Besides regular sex with my new Love, I continued to wear sexy women’s outfits, look at porn, and masturbate. But, I knew…I wanted a cock in my mouth.

     
    Love of my Life (1993 => )
    I dated my new Love, was married in 1995, and remain so now.

    In the beginning, my new bride wore the sexy outfits that I would buy for her. She looked great: slender, petite, narrow hips, nice butt, small perky breasts! When she finally moved out on her now ex-husband, we had sex in her new apartment (I remember the red outfit she wore for me one morning), or in my townhouse. It was always straight sex, although she allowed me to go down on her and she definitely enjoyed that!

    After we were married, our life, and sex, shifted into a more normal, comfortable mode. We had c***dren and resultant obligations to tend to .

    Sometimes I would go through her things in her lingerie chest, wear her panties, cum in the soft cotton crotches and then wash out my sperm stain. I particularly enjoyed cumming in the off-white silky string bikini panties that she had worn on our wedding day. It was dangerous to dress at home, with my wife and numerous c***dren around, but I enjoyed the thrill. I frequently looked at porn and fantasized about what it must be like to be a woman, at least sexually. I wanted to be a woman badly and my dressing helped me deal with it. I was lucky that I never got caught while either dressed, masturbating or going through her lingerie drawer!

    The Internet was in full bloom now. Adult magazines weren’t needed any more. I liked to look at websites that showed a woman sucking a man’s cock, particularly when he would cum in her face. I learned that this was called a “facial”. I fantasized about being a woman, on my knees, sucking cock…better yet, cocks!

    I still continued to buy outfits, including skirts, heels, jewelry and make-up. I hide my multiple bags of clothing successfully for a number of years, ten to be exact.
    My first time of getting “caught” came at work in 2000. I was looking at porn on my company laptop, in my office (this was before they had ways to block access to such sites), and a woman colleague came into my office. I never knew if she saw my computer screen, but I suspected that she did. She was even “colder” towards me after than. Within six months, my boss came to see me un-expectantly. He said that he had gotten an IT report that my computer had accessed forbidden porn internet sites and he wondered if my son had access to my computer. He was giving me a way out of the situation and I appreciated it. I never used the company system to do this again!

    But, I did continue to dial-in to the Internet and view porn sites. I discovered how I could download photos onto CDs, and I started doing so. I would spend hours cataloging the photos by their content. I would group together photos by groups such as: cumshots, fucking, lingerie, Lookers-Blond, Lookers-Brunette, Group, and so on. I could watch them and masturbate whenever I wanted. I shifted jobs, continued to collect porn, dress and fantasize.

    I would travel with my outfits, dress, look at porn in my hotel room and masturbate. I loved it! I had some great outfits and mind blowing orgasms! I did my best to taste my own sperm, but it was still difficult to accomplish.

    Over the many years of crossdressing, and throughout the many purges of my things, I can still recall the highlights of my lingerie collections:

    I would frequently wear sexy things under my business clothes when I went to evening functions. I could get away with panties, garter belts and stockings, but wearing a bra was tricky. I could do this only when I had on a winter coat, and or sometimes, even just a sport jacket. I would sit at the desk in my hotel room, dressed, and masturbate while looking at porn. I enjoyed many rock-hard cocks and gushers of my cum!

    I did go through my purging stages. One of my favorite routines had me leaving panties and such in the dresser draws, or under the bed, in my hotel rooms. Sometimes, I would stuff one of my plastic bags filled with lingerie in a hotel trash receptacle in a common area. I always regretted doing this afterwards, and within months, I would repurchase lingerie. The one benefit was that I did enjoy the shopping trips!

    I wanted more. To be a real woman, I needed a cock in my mouth!

     
    Crossdressing to Cock Sucking (2004 - 2006)

    I now was in a role that involved a lot of overnight travel. I drank a lot and enjoyed feeling naughty. A couple of times I would get disgusted and discard all of my stuff, hundreds of dollars of stuff I had bought: panties, bras, stockings, heels, skirts, tops, make-up, and sex toys; all of it. But I always went and bought more. I loved to secretly wear it, particularly when I would go shopping! The feeling of the panties, bra, stockings and heels, was so erotic.

    I frequently sat around in my hotel room, dressed, and surfed the net for porn. My favorite sites, like “Pichunter” and “MadThumbs”, cataloged the photos so you could find the kind of porn you were in the mood to see. I downloaded hundreds of pictures, mostly sexy women wearing stockings and panties and women getting facials. I was fascinated by sperm: the look, taste and smell! I would download and catalog my porn pics by type, such as: facials, lookers-blond, fucking, etc. I copied this into Power Point slide shows and would sit, watch, and masturbate. I also continued my fantasy writings of being a sex-starved woman servicing men.

    My wife didn’t know about any of this, until I made a fatal mistake. I had upgraded from using CDs to using smaller, higher capacity thumb drives. I was at home one morning early in 2005, downloading porn, and I left the thumb drive in the computer in the family room. Not only that, I had forgotten to erase the history of the websites I had visited. Stupid! She found this, and understandably, was very, very hurt. I apologized. I was sincere. I didn’t understand what drove me to act the way I did, but I did know that it was dangerous and destructive. I told her that I had an addiction to porn and she insisted that I seek counseling.

    So, I used my work places mental health benefit and talked to a counselor about my addiction to porn. Greg then suggested a ther****t for me. I called and arranged for an appointment. Wow! When I walked-in to our first session, although she was 100% professional, she was also attractive and sexy. Ashamed by my behavior, and not wanting to fixate on her sexuality, I set aside any such thoughts and began my first of many therapy sessions.

    I did my best not to think of her sexually. She was an attractive woman and as I sat on her sofa, talking about sex, I found myself mentally undressing her with my eyes! She was about my age and very sexy. She was divorced and I secretly pictured her giving me a blow job, or reclining back, spreading her legs and smiling at me as she watched me, watch her, masturbate. I jerked off thinking about her sometimes. She was professional in all of our sessions. Rats!

    That Fall, she had me start attending a men’s group “sex therapy” session for several months. My declared “issue” was an addiction to porn. This is all that I had confessed to my ther****t at this point. A couple of the guys were okay, but one guy seemed to be able to fuck all day but couldn’t have an orgasm, another guy was gay, and a third just liked to talk about himself. Although I learned some things about myself and my behavior, I finally stopped attending.

    At home, things had calmed down and seemed to be okay. Then, in 2006, she discovered a cache of my lingerie “hidden” in the basement. I mumbled some explanation, and got rid of everything – a couple of bags of panties, stockings, garter belts, bras, heels, and makeup (darn!). To-date, I had only told my ther****t about the porn collection and not about my crossdressing. I really hated to get rid of my things.

    Then, to make things worse, my wife found another thumb drive in my briefcase. This one, contained photos of me dressed in sexy woman’s underwear and several of me masturbating. Opps! She was crushed, insisted that I needed “help”, and she has never trusted me, particularly with thumb drives or the Internet, again. It didn’t help that some of the images were rather graphic, including me being dressed and jerking off. I never knew, and she never told me, what she had seen, but I suspected the worst! Secretly, I wished she would watch me jerk off and allow me to cum on her panty covered crotch!

    I went “clean” again, and focused on my therapy to save my marriage. I desperately needed her love and I worked hard to understand and address my addiction. It had much to do with my remote parents and my use of sex as an escape. I felt safe in my fantasy world. I stayed “clean” for some time. No clothing. No porn pics.

    Then, later that year, it all started again. I don’t know what triggered it, but I bought a wardrobe of new outfits, including a wig, heels and lingerie. I also discovered Craigslist and began corresponding with people interested in crossdressers. I so wanted to play act as a woman, but I was scared about getting caught. I knew that this would end my marriage. The other thing that happened around this time is that my ability to get and keep an erection declined. Although, at one point I was measured as having “low testosterone”, I think that the real issue was in my head. I got prescriptions for Viagara and Cialis. The former gave me rock-hard erections for sex with my wife or for masturbating, and the later gave me good erections over a longer period of time (all weekend), so I didn’t need to time my erection as closely. My wife knew of my issue, but not why, and she didn’t need to know that ¾ of the pills were used for masturbation rather than sex with her.

    I seriously wanted to post on Craigslist, and I finally did. At first, I just reviewed the posted ads and considered what I would advertise, and how I would dress-up as a woman for a man. I wanted to be a cum slut and suck cock! I was innocent and naïve on meeting men and I couldn’t make myself take the first step. I was worried about getting robbed, or catching some STD. I got close to arranging for a meet, but never did. Then along came a timely trip where I needed to go to the NJ shore for a convention. I posted on T4M using Craigslist. I was about to give my first blow job dressed as a sexy woman.

    Erica Comes Out (2006 - 2010)

    My first encounter happened near home in the Fall of 2006. I was “on my way” to my convention. Still being uncertain about how to go about meeting men, I posted online. When I received a reply, I wanted to meet the guy first to make sure it was safe and all. We arranged to at a local coffee shop. I was wearing pink panties and a white garter belt and stockings, underneath my business suit, as well as just a hint of eye make-up. I went into the shop, and got a table to wait for my date. Somehow, the moment he walked in, we made eye contact and he walked over to my table. “Susan?” he asked in a soft voice. I smiled and nodded. He was an older man, but seemed fine. He bought us coffee and rejoined me at the table. We talked softly and flirted, like a man and woman would. He asked if I was wearing anything under my suit, and I told him what I had on. He smiled. I was so horny! I wanted my first encounter!

    He asked, and I agreed, to go back to his place. I felt so sexy to follow him out of the coffee shop, feeling the stockings rub my legs under my pants, knowing that I was going to have sex. I drove my car and followed him in his car, parked on the street, and carried my little bag of feminine things inside to change. He showed me to a bathroom and I went inside to dress. I removed my top clothes and put on a skirt, bra, necklace, perfume, blouse and heels. I was trembling as I tucked my erection in my panties, touched up my make-up, and walked out as “Susan”. He loved me! We kissed and fondled each other. I was so excited that I was trembling. I was on my knees in no time, and he came in my mouth before I knew it. My mouth was just suddenly full of his cum. I had felt him tense, but the actual ejaculation was somewhat underwhelming opposite my expectation. But, thrilled, I swallowed my first load, and smiled. I loved it!

    Afterwards, I cleaned-up and departed, promising to stay in touch and do it again. This first encounter was all it took. From then on, my cock sucking progressed a bit more easily. It was too dangerous to try this again near my home, so when I traveled, I would go on Craigslist and post for cock.


    The following descriptions contain the memories of my many, and continuing, encounters. The order of the stories is roughly correct, although time, the number of cocktails I had consumed, and the high frequency of my acting out, may have changed the order of the stories. I started active cocksucking in 2006. The details are accurate. I was always dressed (I didn’t think of myself as being gay), and always drinking. I still don’t know what comes first: the drinking or the sexual fantasies. Horny and dressed, I liked to get drunk, and enjoy sperm! That’s a fact.

    ♂ Shortly after my first blowjob date, I had to travel to NC for a weekend.
    ♀ Not being very far, I decided to drive. On the way down, I even stopped at a Walmart and a Kohl’s to do some shopping. I was excited about being alone and fantasized about dressing and posting something on-line for a cock. I wondered if I could really follow through with it. When I arrived at my hotel, I dressed in my hotel room, had a few beers, and went on line. I looked at porn to get in the mood, and finally went to Craigslist to check-out what was there. I decided to take the plunge!
    ♀ I posted under “T4M” for a cock to suck. I include a couple of pics of me dressed. I had immediate responses! I was so excited, happy, and nervous. I started a dialog with my responders and was able to arrange for several guys to come separately to my hotel room the following morning.
    ♀ The first guy said he was married but could make up a story about going to the hardware store and come by to see me. It seemed safe and discrete. It was a cool fall morning and a tall, good looking, 30-something man came to my hotel. I was dressed, and excited as he knocked and I let him into my room. I was wearing white stockings, black spike heels, a short black pleated skirt, a white bra, white low cut tight knit top, a necklace, a bracket, and make-up. (I did not yet own a wig). Nervous as heck, I welcomed him into my room. Without much preamble, we stood at the foot of the bed. I dropped to my knees and pulled down his pants. His large erection sprang to life. Wow! This was really going to happen! Looking up at him, I eagerly wrapped my hand around his hard cock and lowered my lips over it. I began to move my fist on his shaft as I bobbed my head up and down. I loved it! So did he. It wasn’t long before, hands on the back of my head, he emptied his load in my mouth. I swallowed and looked up at him from my knees. I kissed the remaining cum off of his cock head and said “thanks”. I meant it. I was truly behaving as a woman at last, and I loved it! I was so excited that I had finally gotten over my reluctance to post of cock on line.
    ♀ I opened a bottle of beer, and downed it quickly as I re-checked my email account for more men. I was browsing through my replies when I heard a knock at the door.
    ♀ The second guy had arrived. A young guy, who didn’t say much, he undressed and lay back on the bed, erection pointing up. On all fours, I straddled his hips, lowered my head on his cock, and went to work. He came, I swallowed, he departed.
    ♀ I stayed dressed, admiring myself in the mirror, hoping to hear the soft knock of other men. None of the other “dates” showed up as promised. I was to learn that this was to be expected with my man-dates. Many would promise to come, but not show up. I had to get cleaned-up and showered to return to “real life” now.
    ♂ I was on a business trip to Albany, NY and had brought along my outfits to wear, and feel pretty, like I had been doing for some time. I dressed. looked at online porn, and one thing lead to another. I then make the decision to seek some cocks, and I posted on Craigslist. As I waited for replies, I started what turned into a long lasting practice of creating an Excel spreadsheet to track all of my responses. Not all responses led to dates, but I tracked email addresses, what pics I had sent with my emails, and finally, if it worked out, what time each cock was scheduled to come to my room. Anyway, from my posting, I got several hits, and decided to skip my business meeting and to spend the day sucking cocks So, that afternoon, I arranged three dates. They were all business men looking for a little fun while on a break from their office. I had to put on man clothes to meet each of them on the floor above mine as my floor was an “executive” floor and needed a key card for access. This was inconvenient, but kind of exciting as I waiting in the elevator lobby, wearing eye make-up and my sexy clothes underneath. As each man got off the elevator, they knew what I was waiting for, and I escorted them down to my room. I redressed and did my work. That afternoon, my three mouthfuls went down with a smile! I had one cock scheduled for the following morning, but he made me nervous. He wanted to fuck me, which I wasn’t ready-for yet. I went downstairs to meet him, again wearing women’s clothes under my man clothes and a little light make-up. He was late, and I didn’t like the look of him when he dashed by me, looking all around for his “woman”. I quietly slipped away and we did not meet.
    ♂ Business trip to the downtown Harrisburg Hilton, in PA. I scheduled a bogus business trip and pretty much stayed in my hotel room for two days. I started at the hotel bar to have a few cocktails. Of course, I was wearing panties and stockings under my business suit. I had already posted and arranged for some men to come visit me. Excited, I then went back upstairs and dressed fully in my outfit. That evening, and into the following morning, I sucked a half dozen men. I was in a slutty daze, and just did my passion, sucking cock after cock. My dates would slip over during break or on the way to/from their offices. One older man helped me to “slow down” and “worship” his cock. I did a couple of younger guys who were big cummers. I had to manage my dates, using my spreadsheet, to ensure private sessions with each cock. When I went to leave that morning, I was stricken with diarrhea. I had to change my boxers in the car in the parking garage. I learned that a tummy full of sperm just goes right through you. A valuable lesson.
    ♂ Return trip to Harrisburg Hilton. drunk, dressed, posted and performed. I don’t recall how many, but it could have been four cocks…
    ♂ An airport hotel group of men in Buffalo, NY. I arrived in the late afternoon and began posting on Craigslist. As I waited for replies, I opened the bottle of wine I had bought, and dressed. I remember being very excited and unsure of what to expect. I wanted to experience a group session as “Erica” and had mentioned this in some of my replies. The hits were coming in so heavily, that I had trouble keeping my spreadsheet up to date for scheduling. I finally gave up. When the men started arriving, I lost count, but I think I did 8 guys. It turned out to be a group session with men coming and going. Besides having me knelling over guys on the bed in my stockings, heels, bra and panties, to give blowjobs, another couple of men were fucking right next to me. Very sexy. I remember one of my cocks who gave me pointers on how to “make love to his cock” rather than just to suck and stroke it. Very nice. In the end, I was a sticky, smiling, cummy mess, and full of sperm. My make-up was smeared and my clothing was covered with dried evidence of my evening’s sperm generating encounters. I loved this!
    ♂ Another “business” trip to Albany. Actually, I was just stopping over to see if I could suck some cocks on my way up to Maine. I checked into the hotel in downtown Albany, NY, arriving in the early evening, I dressed and posted. The responses came-in and I pleased 4 cocks. I recall one guy who was very insecure over the small size of his penis. It didn’t bother me. I did my best to assure him that he was of “average” size. He came like all the others!
    ♂ In 2007, on another business trip hotel in KY, I dressed and sucked 7 cocks. I did a couple of singles, and then was able to schedule two groups. I would suck one guy while the other would watch. One man gave me a surprise present” a nice pair of frilly panties as a thank you gift. I was getting better with the wording for my CL ads and had no problem attracting qualified cocks. I was lovin’ this. I felt so feminine and sexy. The whole scenario of being all dressed in my nice hotel room waiting to service men, was exhilarating.
    ♂ On four trips to Columbus, OH, using my posting and spreadsheet tracking system, I arranged for individual and group sessions. Usually staying at the airport Hilton Garden Inn, I enjoyed my adventures. My wardrobe had grown, and now included a bright pink fantasy wig, several pairs of high heels, a wide variety of colorful panties, garters, stockings and bras, and several skirt and tops. I had also started using a spreadsheet to keep track of the men who answered my Craigslist add. I would easily get 30 or more responses when I posted as a CD looking to suck cock. I would log responses on my spreadsheet and keep track of scheduled appointments. No-shows could run as high as 50%. I filtered out the responses and excluded one-liners and ones with poor spelling and grammar. I was looking for clean, married guys who just wanted a little blow job with a hotty. My dates on my various trips included:
    ♀ Event 1 – My largest session yet! Group and individual sessions with 10 men, all in one night, including my first black man (I’m a white guy). The group sessions were a challenge to arrange. I was worried that they would get out of hand, but they really didn’t. Not knowing who would show-up, I scheduled dates to come see me. If others also showed, I would ask if they minded a group session. This always brought a smile as they fantasized about doing me in a group. I still wasn’t fucking, so my group sessions ended up in me on my knees sucking multiple cocks and getting covered with fountains of shooting sperm. Sometimes I would have 2-3 cocks in my face and/or hands while others stood nearby, cock in hand, watching me work. I learned to not wear perfume as some of the married guys had to go home and didn’t want to smell like they had been around women.
    ♀ Event 2 – My prior success had given me confidence to schedule even more cocks. I scheduled group and individual sessions with 12 men! Awesome. I dressed and stayed in my hotel room for the night and following early morning. The cocks just blurred together in a parade. The first couple, I greeted at the door to my room to invite inside. After that, guys just seemed to appear, cocks in-hand. I think I did eight during the evening, and went to bed around mid-night, still in my clothes and make-up. I was up and ready for the four remaining cocks, starting at 6:30am and continuing on until I had to stop at 9am. I was full of sperm and happy. One of my morning dates was a guy who wanted a CD girl friend. We corresponded for months after this first meeting, both by phone and by email.. He wanted to take care of me. Nice guy and really into crossdressers. I let him know whenever I was coming to Columbus.
    ♀ Event 3 - Individual blow jobs. I learned about “xhampster” from one of the men. I stayed in my hotel room all afternoon and evening, sucking 8 cocks before calling it a night! Before turning-in, I pleasured myself watching cumshot videos on my newly discovered favorite Internet site, xHampster. I was tightly wired, and a bit intoxicated, by this point. Still dressed, I slipped on a condom, and eagerly jerked off. Then, to complete my evening, I sucked my own sperm out of the condom. Nice.
    ♀ Event 4 – I booked a different hotel from where I had my last date with my boyfriend. I wanted to do a group-thing, but he was worried that some of my dates might know him. I did him and, after he left, had five other cocks come by to be pleased. I had to turn away one guy who came for a group session while my shy boyfriend was here and he didn’t want anyone to see him. Shame.
    ♂ In 2007, I admitted to my ther****t that I was a cross dresser. Scary, embarrassing, but a real turn on to tell another woman that I liked to dress! She didn’t make light of my interest but seemed fascinated and interested in hearing all about it. Sexy! I wanted to dress for her right there in her office! At least I had opened-up one of my secrets. It felt nice.
    ♂ In 2008 and 2009, alone, on a vacation get away to our house in ME, I entertained singles and groups of men. I surpassed my record and please a total of 20 cocks during two visits. I was worried about getting seen by the neighbors, but it all worked out fine. Guys came and went smoothly. All encounters involved blowjobs and facials. My first encounter was an older man who wanted a steady “girlfriend” We arranged to meet early on a Saturday morning. I was a nervous wreck as I put on my make-up and outfit. We made-out and I sucked him off. He wanted to fuck me on our next date. Via emails, we were planning on having intercourse, but he disappeared from the Internet. I did have two guys at one time, I gave one a blow job while the second tried to fuck my ass, doggy style. I was too tight and he had to give up. I enjoyed a messy facial instead. I sucked cocks owned by both young, and older, men. One young guy watched a porn video on his phone while I knelt and sucked his cock. I loved dressing slutty-sexy, particularly wearing false eye lashes, cock sucking, and getting a load of sperm on my face. I had a steady stream of men in and out of my vacation place all day for each of my encounter days. I worried that the neighbors may wonder what was going on, or see me through the curtains parading around in my heels and skirts. Everything worked out fine.
    ♂ Back to one of my earlier towns, Lexington, KY, to suck six more cocks. One guy watched my give a blow job to another man and then had me do him.
    ♂ Airport Holiday Inn hotel on business in MO and performed 8 blowjobs. All were facials. I was focused now on “cum on my face” blowjobs. My dates loved it! So did I! I picked the Holiday Inn because it wasn’t overly upscale and intimidating to my potential dates. I had time to go shopping, dressed like a woman under my man-clothes of course. I knew of a Frederick’s of Hollywood store in the St. Louis area and bought all kinds of sexy stockings (white, red, and black hose with colored back seams – red, white or turquoise), garter belts and panties. I also found some new heels at Kmart.
    ♂ Scary event: While in St. Louis, one guy tried to get me to pay him for coming over to see me. He seemed to be a homeless guy, or at least poor. This made me realize how venerable I was to weirdoes, not only from being robbed, but from a health standpoint. This caused me to cancel some off my morning appointments the next day and to head home earlier than I had planned.
    ♂ I think I redo reconsider which hotels to stay-in for my sessions. I think upscale hotels may screen out undesirables and offer nicer rooms.
    ♂ I even grew bold enough to try some arrangements around home.
    ♀ Opportunity with wife away: I advertised for cocks and got several replies; Guy agreed to meet me, and I dressed and departed in my car. It was dark, so I went ahead and dressed as a woman. Yes, I had had too much to drink and should not have been driving. Anyway, on my way to our meeting, my date contacted me via text and changed his mind. (I was so drunk that I had given him my personal phone number to text me with). I had to turn around. Near PHL airport, dressed as a woman, I stopped at a local adult book store. I climbed out of my car, unsteady on my spike heels, wearing a short skirt, tight top, wig and make-up. Maybe from afar I looked like a woman (hooker), but up close I wasn’t passable. What was I thinking?! Thank goodness it was closed! I was drunk as heck and I don’t know how I was even driving and here I was getting ready to go in public as a Crossdresser?! I drove home (somehow), sat in front of my computer still dressed, looked at porn, and masturbated. I had totally forgotten that one of our college aged step daughters was home and could have walked in on me at any time! That would have been a surprise for both of us! It did lead me to some further fantasy masturbation later…
    Lesson learned: stop drinking and driving!
    ♀ Local guy agreed to meet me at a shopping center at night. We parked next to each other in the deserted parking lot. He came into my car, I started sucking him. He was enjoying it, but suddenly he said “that’s it”, and he up and left. As he climbed out the passenger side, me still leaning over the console where I had been sucking him, h made fun of taunting me by allowing me to suck him off but without him cumming. I was pissed, I wanted sperm. I was still horny. Knowing that there was a Victoria Secrets store in that shopping center, I drove over and parked in-front. It was late and dark. Only the lingerie-clad mannequins in the lighted store window were visible. Alone, I lifted my skirt, and pulled my Viagar enhanced cock from my panties. Fantasizing about the window display, I jerked off to a nice climax all over the front of my black skirt. As I drove home, I wondered if I had been filmed on a parking lot or store video camera! Mmmm…
    ♀ Richard was an older man, PhD in chemistry, married, lonely, and sexually motivated. I had advertised as a crossdresser. Nice man, but I got the sense that he was wanting more of an ongoing relationship and was interested in gay sex. He was married, and indicated that he had been in a couple of sexual affairs (one may have been with his maid). The evening we got together, I was coming from my ther****t’s office. I brought my clothes in a bag, and I went into his bathroom to get dressed. He treated me like a real lady. Sitting with him on his sofa, stocking covered legs crossed revealing the dark top band, my spike heels accenting my sexy attire, we had some wine, and we talked. Then he suggested that we share a shower. This meant getting naked, and out of my “Erica” persona. In the shower, we soaped each other, I sucked him off and he jerked me off. Fun, but it seemed more “gay” than “Erica”. I broke things off with him and we only had the one get together.

    ♂ Airport hotel in Chicago. I dressed underneath, went out to dinner with my laptop and went on-line to post. As I drank my vodka martinis, I arranged for men to come see me at my hotel room. That night, I scored six sexy cocks. I had a new “school girl” outfit with a short plaid skirt, garters and stockings, heels, false eye lashes, and a black low cut pull over top. This allowed my bra to peek out. When guys came on my face, their cum would splash onto the black top and even my wig. This would result in visible dried cum stains on my top and matted hair on my wig. What a turn on to remember my cock sucking. Plus, it smelled great, too!
    ♂ I continued buying new outfits, and dressing. I then started posing and taking photographs. I even took some of me climaxing. I set up my digital camera on a tripod in my home basement and would pose for the camera using the timer. I modeled several of my outfits and bravely took some facial shots as well as the scantily clad lingerie photos. I always ended up with an erection that needed my attention, and would masturbate for the camera. It was difficult to capture my climax as one’s mine focuses on the pleasure of the orgasm rather than the snapping of the photo! As I dressed and took photographs, I fantasized about doing more men, particularly in groups.
    ♂ Then, needing to talk about my out-of-control passion for dressing and cock sucking, I admitted to my ther****t that I had oral sex with a man (I didn’t confess everything, particularly how many men I had done – more than 100!). She was alarmed and wanted me to get tested for STDs. This was scary, and probably the beginning of me re-thinking what I was doing. I have to admit that it was a real turn-on to tell her about it! My ther****t was a formal, professional woman, but one who seemed to have a sexual heat hidden behind that exterior. I fantasized about her, what she wore underneath of business suits, and wondered if she was a cocksucker, too. I just knew that she masturbated and I bet she would enjoy a messy facial of my cum right there in her office! In reality, I think she saw the progression of porn=> crossdressing => cock sucking, and started to see that she couldn’t help me. She seemed to care about me, but then again, I was just another client to her. I wonder what she would have said if she knew how many cocks I had sucked!
    ♂ Another business trip back to St. Louis in early 2010, and I got snowed-in from returning home, but I was without any my outfits. Bored, I started looking at porn and then said to myself, “what the heck!”, and went out and bought more clothing. I didn’t have everything I wanted to look my best, like a wig, but I bought enough stuff to be a sexy woman. I posted and had more responses to my posts than I could handle. I sucked eight cocks one evening and then arranged for more in the morning. Separately, two different men gave me a fantastic face fucking:
    ♀ On my back on the bed, head hanging over the side of the bed, stocking covered legs open showing my hard cock in my panties underneath my skirt, and a large cock pumping in and out of my throat. I was gagging, and it was difficult to breathe! A wonderful facial followed, soaking my false eye lashes. I licked the cum off my face, and sucked it into my mouth. My date loved it! I had cum in my panties while I was getting my face fucked.
    ♀ The other guy propped me up on the headboard, him kneeling in front of me, and fucked my face. He then moved me down to lie on the bed, straddled my face, and pushed his cock deep inside my mouth (I gagged and he loved it, pumping harder), then he came all over my face and black top.
    ♂ On a trip to downtown Des Moines, IA, I started at hotel happy hour, dressed underneath, and set up dates on my computer as I sat at the bar doing shots. I arranged dates and went back to my room. I serviced three cocks that night, and corresponded with a sexy sounding couple. She wanted to watch as I did her husband. Regretfully, we weren’t able to align our schedules. She called me when I got home (I had used my phone to text her when I was in Des Moines – not smart!). It was late in the afternoon and I was at work. I closed my office door and jerked off for her while I was on the phone. I was getting worried (again) about my addiction taking me to places that I didn’t want to go, and having consequences that I didn’t want to endure. When I got home, I threw out all of my girly clothing, including my porn DVDs, wigs, make-up…everything, in the trash. I even cancelled all of my email accounts. This was very, very significant step for me. I loved my sexy outfits, make-up, heels, and all. I had made my decision to stop. Cold Turkey.

    I Can’t Stop (2011 - 2012)

    But then…
    ♀ My wife was away again, and I wanted to suck “just one more cock”. Since I didn’t have any of my outfits, I had to rethink how I could do this. I connected with a guy in Kennett Square via m4m in Craigslist. After drinking, I dressed in Eileen’s garter belt and black lace thong, and drove over to his place. I wanted to feel feminine, even if I found this cock on the gay M4M posting. He made me get naked and suck his cock. I came on him as I humped his leg. I know that he wanted to suck me, but my premature climax ended that idea. I drove home, drunk. I was so disgusted with myself. This was gay, and it didn’t interest me.

    Ok, so I didn’t stay clean for long. I reopened three email accounts, and then added a fouth:
    ♀ Ericalace@rocketmail – my prior CD contact account
    ♀ Susanlace@Yahoo – original CD contact account
    ♀ ILuvSperm@rocketmail – for use for M4M contacts
    ♀ [email protected] – just to have it

    I had no plans for acting out, but it was fun having the accounts and knowing that I could contact cocks if I needed one. I saved some of my porn slide shows from my thumb drive to these accounts for backup, but otherwise didn’t do anything with these accounts.

    One day, in mid-January 2011, I received a note from the old retired guy I had done before. He lived nearby in Chadds Ford. He had tracked me down, taking several months, after I had told him I was ending my crossdressing in an email note when I had cancelled my prior email accounts. I must have made a good impression on him for him to spend the effort to find me on-line.

    Richard was an older man, PhD in chemistry, married, lonely, and sexually motivated. He had originally contacted me when I had advertised as a crossdresser a year or so back. We had one meeting. Nice man, but I got the sense that he was wanting more of an ongoing relationship and was interested in gay sex. He was married, and indicated that he had been in a couple of sexual affairs (one may have been with his maid). When we had been together, I had been coming from my ther****t’s office. I dressed, we had some wine, and talked.

    Then he suggested that we share a shower. This meant getting naked, and out of my “Erica” persona. In the shower, we soaped each other, I sucked him off and he jerked me off. Fun, but it seemed more “gay” than “Erica”. I broke things off with him and we only had the one get together.

    Now, he has contacted me on my old account again! I am flattered that he wanted to find me. I told him, via email, that I wasn’t crossdressing anymore. This didn’t bother him, confirming that he wanted to supplement his marriage with some mano-y-mano sex play. I hadn’t had a cock in my mouth for a long time, and I was fascinated by the idea of serving as a bottom for him. I could feel like a woman again, and please a man!

    So, we made a date to get together. I agreed to come to his place if he would supply the condom and lube.

    Well, the morning date was lack luster. He is an old man, pleasant, tentative and just not sexy. His wife was away, his townhouse was a ragged mess, and it was awkward. We got naked in his bed, and I did my best to please his semi-hard erection. Then he informed me of his prostate surgery and his “small quantity” of cum. I did my best. I had taken a Viagara and was rock-hard. Finally, I asked him if I could cum in his face. I could tell that he didn’t like the idea. He ended-up jerking me off on a towel on his chest. Good orgasm, but disappointing date.

    I just can’t bring myself to continue seeing him. He wants a LTR; I don’t. If he was sexier, I would serve as his “sex toy”, but there is nothing in it for me. I need to find a way to break it off. Do I really need to be kind, or can I just disappear like I did before? I told him “good bye”. I kept my four email accounts.

    I still write my sex fantasy stories and look at porn. “Erica” or “Susan” are my favorite story characters. They thoroughly enjoy fucking and sucking men:
    ♀ Susan – a lonely housewife who rediscovers fucking and sucking with neighbors and repair men.
    ♀ Erica – group sessions encouraged by, and filmed by, her husband.
    ♀ Erica – vacation group sex with men and women
    ♀ Steve – crossdresser whose wife helped him dress and arrange dates with men in their home (I think that this was my favorite story line).
    ♀ I also tried some stories of a High School Cheerleader, who does the football team before moving on to more Cheerleading and sex in college.

    I don’t masturbate that often as I want to be prepared for the possibility of sex with my wife, which happens only once or twice a month. I love her, but just need the the****utic release of my fantasies. I don’t own any lingerie, but do keep a thumb drive of porn. I have masturbated in a black lace “worn-once” corset that is still in my wife’s lingerie drawer. I should have cleaned off my sperm stain, but I left it on the black lace to dry just to be naughty.

    If a clean, discrete cock came my way, would I suck it? Yes. Will I go back to dressing and advertising my services? No. I feel that I am in “recovery” but will never be fully over my obsession. I read about “sex addiction” and do believe that describes my situation. I can’t stop myself even when I understand the negative consequences. My obsession is rooted in my early years and I don’t know how to stop going there when I feel the need.

    Fortunately, that “need” comes and goes. I can go for months and not feel any interest in acting out. And then, the need to drink, and the need to look at porn and fantasize just hits me. If “opportunity” exists, I act out. I compulsively look at porn (I can go for hours if I get the private time), I write fantasy stories, and think of women as sex-objects.

    ♂ But here I am, on my way on another business trip (KY) with an overnight stay. I packed my outfits, and will likely go shopping for more panties. I need some string bikinis with full backs. Men prefer these over thongs. I need red, white and black. Yes, I even posted on CL. I am ashamed, but so horny to dress and suck cocks. I may even venture to offer my pussy for entry. I am so excited! But I am scared for my safety and about ruining my marriage. If my wife left me, it would be a life changing, or ending, event.

    ♂ I went from the airport to a shopping mail. It was such a thrill to go shopping for new outfits. I had to stop myself from buying things just because they were cute and I liked them. I found a form fitting white top with spaghetti straps and thought that would look good with my short, black skirt. I also found a display of cute panties with full backs that were 3-for-$21, so I bought three panties, one each in white lace, pink and red. They were string bikinis of a cotton/lycra blend. Very sexy.

    ♂ I went to my hotel room, checked my email for replies, showered, dressed in panties and stockings, swallowed a Cialis, and went back downstairs for a cocktail. I took my laptop so I could continue to monitor my email for dates. I enjoyed the burn of the vodka, the feel of the panties on my stiffening cock, and the glide of my trousers over the white hose. Very sexy.

    ♂ Although I had at least six possible dates pre-arranged, I was starting to sense the usual no-shows. I had three confirmations, so I went back upstairs to dress and do my make up. I dressed first, putting on my spike heels, bra and skirt and then did my make up. I’m not that good at doing sexy eye make up and would like to learn how to do it.

    ♂ I then settled in to watch xHamster porn cumshot cumpliations while I waited on my dates. My erection, helped by my pill, stretched the lace of my white panties. There was a light knock at my door. My evening of being “Erica” had begun. I was excited, but knew that I would regret this afterwards, but I couldn’t stop myself.
    ♀ Max was first. A tall, manly black man. He insisted on “safe sex”. Sensing that he was concerned, I had him slip on a condom for a blow job. He was nervous, but large. After some sucking, he masturbated on my bra covered breasts and departed.
    ♀ Ursala was next. A seemingly gay young man, his white cock was slow to rise, but very nice when he was erect. I sucked and jerked him off for a long time, switching positions. He seemed to be enjoying himself but I couldn’t get him to cum. Finally, I got him to relax on his back, propped up on pillows, and he came big time. He filled my eager mouth with a large loud of sperm and I licked it up hungrily but some did drip on to my top. He seemed to enjoy himself and loved my outfit. We chatted and I could tell that he really liked me. It made me feel good. Then he departed.
    ♀ Finally, Reggie arrived. Another young black man with a nice cock. I must have sucked him for 15 minutes. I wanted his cum; he wanted to fuck me…and I wanted him, too. I have only attempted to open my pussy once before, and it was too tight. I was nervous, but excited, at the same time. I was prepared with condoms and lube. I pulled a condom over his large, black cock and asked him to lube-up. With Reggie standing behind me, I bent over the hotel bed. Still in my stockings, heels and panties, I could tell that he liked what he saw. I wanted it so badly. To be a woman… to be fucked like a woman should. I felt his cock push into my pussy. It hurt. He filled me and stretched me. I did all I could to accommodate him, pushing back against his thrust. He was slow and patient. I couldn’t move, impaled on his cock. I so wanted him to fuck me… but I just couldn’t accept him in me. It hurt too badly. Disappointed, I asked him to stop. He agreed and pulled out of me. I then laid back, with my face closet to him, stocking covered legs on the bed, and asked him to jerk off on my face. He smiled, slipped the condom off his erection, lubed his cock, and proceeded to jerk off on my face. After some time, he gave me a nice cum shower. Reggie cleaned up and departed.
    ♂ Disappointed and sore from the attempted fucking, I was pleased by my facial. I let the cum drip down my face, and looked at my sexy self in the mirror. Nice! What a woman! I was so horny, my rock hard cock stretched the white lace of my panties. I had to touch myself. Now! So, I returned to my computer, and my favorite xHamster cumshot videos. OMG! I was so hot! Watching women accept gushers of wonderful cum, I stroked myself off in my white lace panties! What a mess; what a night!


    I still find it disappointing how many guys never show up like they promise. I just want to be a woman, suck cock, and move on to the next one. Oh, well. I’m used to that with men now.

    Now I am flying home. Disappointed that I acted out, but happy that I did. How sad is that? Why do I do this? I so enjoy crossdressing, feeling panties against me cock, fantasizing about being a woman, yet I am so depressed afterwards when I do this. Why?

    Training for my first fuck

    Because of my two fuck-failures, I also had begun to train my pussy to receive cock better. At a local Adult Novelty store, I purchased a large, life like cock vibrator. Dressing in my bedroom at home one night when I was alone, I put on white thigh highs, white panties and bra, and my black spike heels and blue wig, I recorded three videos of me using my pussy with the cock. I used a lubricated condom on the dildo, and used KY jelly on the cock and on my pussy. It was difficult at first, but I was able to get the cock all the way in my pussy. I also recorded an anal training session while on a solo trip to our place in Maine. You can view the vids on xHamster now: one of me on my back, one of my fucking myself doggie style while a sexy vid plays on xHamster of a woman getting fucked by a thrusting machine, and one of my pumping the cock in and out of my pussy in various positions. It hurt, and took some work, but it felt good to get the rather large cock buried in my pussy. On the last vid, you can’t see it, but I climaxed in my panties. Nice!

    As I mentioned, I posted these vids on xHamster. As you would guess, the hit rate on my site went up dramatically. I don’t know if I will ever get together with any of these men, but it’s a nice fantasy. I keep track of them, by city/state, in case the opportunity should arise. Are these men private fantasizers, or would they enjoy meeting me for-real? Hmmmm….

    And then, it happened. I did it. I bottomed for a guy. I first sat on his cock, sliding it into my pussy, then I got on my hands and knees and he fucked me hard.

    ♂ I arrived at my hotel in St. Louis. Excited, I posted on CL, dressed and took my laptop down to the bar. Sipping a Martini, dressed in panties and thigh highs under my suit, I excitedly waited for responses to come in for my posting. My subject line summed up my passion: “CD bottom seeks gentleman caller”. I was ready to accept my first cock and I wanted to be dominated.

    ♂ The responses began to come in. Some I discounted right away, but several held promise. I began to arrange for men to come visit me in my hotel room, and polishing off my second Martini, I figured that I needed to get back to my room to do my make-up and dress.

    ♂ Nervously, I did my eyes and lips. I dressed in a short black top that was like a really brief mini-skirt, white thigh highs and pink panties. I had taken a Viagara, and my cock was already hard inside my panties. Nice!

    ♂ As usual, I knew I would have no-shows, so I over booked dates. Secretly, I was hoping for a group scene, but it didn’t work out that way.

    ♂ A soft knock at my door and my night started.

    ♂ The first cock just wanted to be sucked and to cum on my face. I gladly submitted. He came, and went. My make-up was a mess so I tried to repair it. Facials just wreck havoc with my make-up.

    ♂ Then it happened. The next date wanted to fuck me! He was a quiet young white guy. I was so nervous…and excited. First, I sucked his cock. When he was ready, he lay back on the king bed, and I unrolled a condom on his cock. With his cock standing up, I applied lube and then, to my amazement, I squatted down on his erection. It hurt at first, and took some effort to get inside me, but I loved it.

    ♂ He began to rock back and forth, moving his cock in an out of me. His hip thrust made me erect cock bounce up and down with his thrusts. This felt so good, too good, that to my horror, I knew I was going to cum! Damn! I fought the feeling. He keep fucking me. My erection, free from my panties, kept bouncing…ugh! Argh! Damn! OMG! I shot my messy load on his tummy and chest. I cried out in anguish. He loved it! Shifting my body, he positioned me on my hands and knees. Feeling his hands on either side of my hips, with one motion, he thrust deep inside me. Emotionally, I was crushed by my premature ejaculation, but he didn’t seem to mind. My sex drive was down, but I was so thrilled at being fucked, that I kept on. He pumped and pulled my hips back onto his cock. I must have cried out as his pumping quickened, and then his body tensed and jerked. He was filling the condom that he wore! I had just been officially fucked! 

    ♂ I had fantasized about unrolling a sperm filled condom from a cock, and turning it inside out, emptying its contents in my mouth. But, alas! Without a word, he pulled out and disappeared into the bathroom. I collapsed on the bed. Disappointed yet feeling good.

    ♂ Within minutes he was gone, leaving me, a satisfied woman.

    ♂ My final cock was a young guy who wanted me to dress him as a woman. Being sexually spent, I did the best I could, but it wasn’t that satisfying for me. I selected a pair of my bright pink panties, some black over-the-knee hose, a white lace bra (my wife’s) and a sheer top. He wanted some light eye make-up and lipstick.

    ♂ Finding him rather sexy at this point, I proceeded to give him a very loving blow job. I was on my knees in front of him, his cock sticking out of his (my) panties, sucking. When I knew he was close, I asked (begged) him to cum on my face. Taking his cock in his hand, he began to masturbate. I lay back and smiled up at him. It didn’t take long before he emptied a rather large, wet load on my face and in my eyes. It was a nice load that only a young cock can generate. I loved it. I asked him to take a couple of pics of my cum-dripping face, which he did. Then I asked if he would “do me” as, to my delight and surprise, my cock had grown hard again. I was feeling so naughty, so horny. He didn’t want to suck me, so I asked if he would jerk me off. He agreed and I laid back. His pumping fist moved up and down on my raging hard on. I watched his work, happy, and feeling sexy. A few minutes later, I knew I was going to cum…and I did! Mmmmm….nice! I emptied my second load of the evening all over my black top. What a mess!

    ♂ Shortly afterwards, he was gone. I was alone with my thoughts, my body, my memories. My face was still wet from his cum, and my black top stained by both of our semen. I In some ways, I was down; sad that my addiction to submit as a woman, had lead me here yet again. In other ways, I was elated. Satisfied. Damn!
    ♂ 



    Then it passes. Life returns to “normal” and I go about being the husband, father, friend and colleague that I so desperately want to be.

    My objective is to do my best not to get caught, or do anything stupid, during the time of my obsessive behavior. I don’t want to risk my marriage. Feeling like an old man, I don’t feel comfortable lingerie shopping any more, so this saves me time and money. I do fantasize about cock sucking and group facials.

    Here it is, early March, and I’m in one of my drinking-fantasizing-obsessive pornography periods. I am keeping my acting-out under control, but it takes effort. I’m flying on my way to Puerto Rico. I’ve had one screwdriver and saved two mini bottles of Vodka for later.

    Always the planner.

    I wanted to write some more in one of my sexy stories. I have been dreaming about it all week. I have worked on it a little in the office. Since I leak pre-cum when I get excited, I put a paper towel in my boxer shorts. Today, on the airplane, I am wearing a non-lubricated condom to catch my pre-cum.

    The man next to me finally went to sleep, but the battery is drained due to a delayed take-off. I have conference calls to make later this afternoon. Opps, he woke up so I need to sign off. More to come when I reach my hotel. I’m looking forward to time on the Internet and with my stories. I just know I will cum tonight, particularly after I take a Viagara! Probably drink, look at porn and then jerk off in my condom. Hope I can then swallow my sperm.

    Yummy!

    I’m having dinner now, condom on, and will work on my story. Its about a crossdresser who’s wife helps him arrange over a dozen encounters with men. He sucks individual, and group, cocks, plus gets fucked. Sweet!

    I’ve had two vodka rocks, a glass of white wine, and now an Irish Coffee. I have been working on my story, and I’d bet my condom is wet with pre-cum. I plan to go upstairs, log on to porn sites, and pass the evening.

    If only I could dress, and solicit cocks! I would love to give some blow jobs tonight! But, I won’t.

    Why can’t I be “normal”? I so don’t want to be tormented by sexual thoughts. I know that my obsession is not “normal”, but I can’t help myself.

    I’m now up in my room. I’m wearing a shirt and socks to stay warm, and a condom to collect my seed. I just took a Viagara and I know that I am on a course to jerk off over porn. I have logged onto xHamster. Let the fun begin…

    Well, I’m back in the restaurant bar, the next (and final) evening. I’m wearing a fresh condom and wishing I had panties to wear as well.

    Last night, perhaps by the will of the Lord, I was pulled back from the cliff. Horny as heck, I had posted on craigslist, M4M, to suck cocks. I listed as “the Sperm Bank seeking Deposits”. I got hits back, but screwed up my responses by responding with crossdresser photos. I had one guy, who I even gave out my room number to, but resulted in endless emails and frustration. I jerked off in my condom while watching “jerk off instruction” videos. These actually were educational and I now want to learn to take my time jerking off rather than touching myself and erupting. I am determined to conquer my premature ejaculation. I enjoy cumming quickly but I’d much rather last longer to please my wife (plus any potential male dates).

    Anyway, thankfully, I didn’t suck any cocks, although I wanted to, and tried to, in the worse way. Although, I suspect that I will have sex with Eileen on my birthday evening (tomorrow), I am going to jerk off…slowly…tonight. I have already taken a Viagara.

    I just can’t picture myself taking more than two minutes to ejaculate. I so want to be able to fuck my wife and make her cum before I do, but I am doomed to premature ejaculation. I am going to watch these instructional videos and try to teach myself how not to climax.

    I found on xHamster that some men had been attempting to contact me and “friend” me. I have responded to posts, and even posted my early masturbation story, so I guess that is how they found me. One, a 50year old man, from West Chester may be of interest. Who knows, maybe I can get back to discrete cross dressing if I go carefully. I do want to dress and suck cocks.

    I know there is some deep psychological reason for my addiction, but I don’t know how to turn it off. I know that it is destroying me: my health is at risk, my marriage could end, I could lose my job…yet I continue with this obsession. Help!

    Well, back to my story writing and xHamster posting. Then masturbating!

    I came back up to my room, and went back online. I read my contacts in xHamster and good advice on how to work to extend the time it takes to cum. I looked at porn and masturbated for well over an hour. I finally watched my favorite panty boy jerk off instruction video. A good looking woman, wearing a red dress and pretty red panties, talks to the camera with her legs open. She plays with her panty covered pussy. She also uses a cock dildo and instructs about jerking off in panties. She is so cute and sincere on the video. How does she know so much as how guys think as they masturbate wearing panties? Its good to know that there are plenty of other crossdressing masturbators out there. Anyway, the video is very sexy and so true for me. I climaxed in my condom, but as usual, didn’t drink it down. Then to bed.

    Today, I go home for my 55th birthday. I expect to be off line for several days. Maybe, my obsession will pass and I can become a “normal” man. I hope so.

    I’m going through my “purge” phase now. I feel ashamed of the double life I am leading. I feel that it is wrong, sinful, and hurtful should I be discovered. Yes, I enjoy being Erica, but I do worry about how life changing it would be if I contracted a STD or if my wife discovered my activities (again), and not just my dressing!

    I just don’t know what to do. I wish there was someone to talk with, besides my prior ther****t, who had dismissed me as “cured”. I was kind of hurt because I knew that I wasn’t fixed, and could still use her to talk to. Either she believed me to be okay, or realized that I couldn’t be fixed. Either way, so pretty much dismissed me. If I had told her about my acting out, she would tell me to stop, discard all of my outfits, and find a way to prevent access to adult sites on the Internet. I just can’t bring myself to do all of that again. I want to, but I don’t. Maybe if I could dress for her, and then have her give me a blow job… now’s there a fantasy!

    I cancelled my xHamster account, noting that I had 30-days to reactivate it. I felt good cancelling it. I wonder if I will get the nerve to cancel my yahoo email accounts, as well. I have two, or three (I forget), “Erica” email accounts. I have keep records of my email correspondence when I have arranged Craigslist dates. Plus, I have saved copies of my porn files. There as the thousands of pics I have downloaded from the Internet, arranged into Power Point slide shows. The only back ups I have for my porn self movies of my dressed and jerking off and using a vibrating cock to fuck my pussy, are the ones that I posted on xHamster. They are too big to save to Yahoo. So, if I can get beyond the 30-day window for reactivating xHamster, and if I can delete my “Erica” accounts, I will be well along the way to at least suspending my double life. The next big step would be discarding all of my panties, and outfits.

    I realize that this may be boring to read, but it helps me to “talk it out” by writing. I have gone through this purge stage a couple of times before. Its good for about six months. Then I regret discarding my sexy things. I have discarded some wonderfully sexy panties, bras, shoes, a wig, a favorite plaid school girl pleated skirt and top, and so much more. It feels good to purge, but I inevitably return to my acting out. This causes me to shop for replacement clothing, which is exciting and fun, but expensive. Can I discard my wardrobe? Or will I end up keeping it, and buying more. I do like the bikini panties I have now, and my spike heels, but I do need another set of false eye lashes and replacement stockings. Listen to me! I am so torn between stopping what I am doing, and fantasies about continuing it.

    What to do?! Time will tell.

    Its been only two weeks since I decided to stop being Erica. The cancelling of my xHamster account is helping as I don’t have the compulsion to go on line to see who has invited me to be their “friend”. Not going on line keeps me from seeing porn. I know that as soon as I watch another compilation of women receiving spermy facials, or housewives giving blowjobs, I will long to be on my knees doing the same thing. I so want to stop, yet I so want to be Erica. I don’t want my compulsion to end up killing me, or sickening me with a STD.

    ♂ I’m traveling (CA). I didn’t bring my outfits (the ones that I didn’t get rid of yet), so I feel good. After a night of drinking with friends, I came back to my hotel room… and, well, I did it. I couldn’t resist. I went on line. Where did I go? xHamster! After scanning some cumshots, what did I do? I reactivated my xHamster account! “Fortunately”, to reactivate, they send an email to the email account on-record. This was an account that I had cancelled a year ago, but recently reactivated not really knowing why (other than wanting a backup account of my porn shots). If I hadn’t had this account, xHamster couldn’t have contacted me, and my site would have gone in the trash bin. But, now…

    ♂ Argh! I couldn’t stop myself. I accepted my backlog of “friend” invitations that the system had saved, I watched facials vids (loving it). Sexually wired, my hard cock in hand, I masturbated! It didn’t take long! My orgasm rushed in on me as I watched the cumhots on my computer screen, and sperm filled the palm of my free hand before I could get something else to use. The women on the screen were flinching from the cocks erupting in their smiling faces. Nice! I was envious.

    I’m so on the fence. Erica is still there, beneath the surface. If I don’t purge my outfits and cancel all of my accounts, I know she will emerge again: to dress, to fantasize, to suck cocks! Again, time will tell.

    Seven months have passed. I have been very good and clean. Its Fall, and I’m traveling and fantasizing again…

    I’m by myself this weekend up in Maine. I bought some basic lingerie and make-up, plus a found a wig and spike heels that fit. I was ready! Yes, I’d love to suck a couple of cocks. I probably won’t: The safety thing and wanting my wife to trust me. I will dress, maybe take some pics and vids, and of course, masturbate. Now, to fly home.

    ♂ I tried to stop, but couldn’t. I’m alone in a very nice airport area “suite” hotel (NH). I’m on my way home and have an early flight the next morning. My passions and pre-occupation were active. I knew I was going to post for “cock”. To prepare, I had to make arrangements for my men to get up to my room. Somehow, I had to hide a spare key outside as the doors were all locked. Looking out the window in my suite, I had an idea. The hotel had a picnic area with a gas grill just below my window. It was too cool for anyone to be outside using it, so I lifted the cover and placed my extra key inside. Then, I went back upstairs to my room. I switched on the TV for background noise and laid out my clothes. I dressed very sexy in a short black skirt, black thigh highs, bright pink string bikini panties with black lace trim, a white lace bra under a sheer pale pink top, my spike heels, blue wig, and make-up. I enjoyed a couple of beers as I posted on Craigslist as a “sperm bank needing deposits”. A lot of responses have come in quickly, plus a couple of fishing emails that I know won’t pan out. I set-up my dates, resulting in 3 sucked cocks.

    ♂ The first tap at my door sounded.
    ♀ #1 was a younger man. He liked my outfit, but couldn’t wait to get his cock out of his pants. After time on my knees, he had me lay on the bed, head back, and he fucked my mouth. When I would gag, he would kindly withdraw, and let me catch my breath. Very erotic as I lay on my back, skirt hiked up around my waist so he could look done at my cock stretching my panties and black thigh highs and heels. Finally, he pulled out of my mouth, and as I gazed up at his cock and face, he stroked his hard cock. He came heavily all over my face: in my eye, up my nose, and even into my mouth. Sweet! I had him take a couple of photos of me, cum covered, that I will post on-line later.
    ♀ I am waiting on #2 now. I have four who “say” they will come see me, but I know not to expect them all. Hopefully, I will get more responses to my posting, but there is another CD posting as well, competing for my cocks! Rats!
    ♀ Then, I heard a tape at the door. #2 had arrived. He was an older man, very excited to see me. As soon as the door closed, he pulled me to him. We kissed deeply and he fondled my excited body. I had to slow him down from touching my overly sensitive cock as I was afraid that I would cum prematurely and ruin my passion. I got on my knees and started my work. His cock sprang to life quickly and I enjoyed myself, looking up at him watching me. At his suggestion, we went to the king bed. He laid back. I kneeled over his hips, naked, and, dressed in my stockings, heels. I lovingly gave him a nice, slow blow job. Then I suggested that I lay back on the bed and have him fuck my face. His eyes flashed and he eagerly moved my body, and his, into position. Knelling in front of me he pushed his cock into my open mouth, pumping his hips rhythmically. I gagged a couple of times, but he was enjoying dominating me. It didn’t take him long to pull out and pump his load on my smiling face. Nice!
    ♀ Then #3 arrived. Wow! He was a little weird, but what a beautiful, big cock and a big cummer! After what seemed like 25 emails, he finally came over. He didn’t say much, just dropped his trousers and sat down on the sofa in my hotel room. He grew rock hard! Awesome! I was envious of his 8” monster, and happily performed my duty. We also moved to the bed where I suggested that he fuck my face. He wanted me to take some photos so I did what I could. He jerked off on my face, covering my checks, and filling my nose and mouth. I was so excited, that I couldn’t stop myself and I came in my own panties as he was cumming! Sweet! I snapped some more pics and he rapidly departed. Strange guy; nice cum shot!
    ♀ I’m exhausted even after only three cocks. They were all energetic face fucks, and resulted in nice facials. Now, to get cleaned up…


    Again, I’m in a stand-down phase as “Erica”. I haven’t purged any of my outfits, in fact, I did buy a pair of red panties and white thigh highs, but I have resisted doing more. Its Christmas time and it would be easy to go shopping, but I haven’t done so. Things are good at home, and I care about my wife, my family and the safety thing. I still watch cum shot compilations on XHamster, admiring the women smiling as they receive globs of cum. I am envious and yearn for a cock in my mouth, but I am resisting the urge for now.

    But… I can’t handle it! I want it! I want to be “Erica” again! If I really was a woman, I would be sucking and fucking my brains out at this point. I just love a hard cock! I have some travel planned, and I’m already thinking about my open times and when I can post, and what I should say. I can’t decide if I should post for a massive bakake party, or for individual facials, or offer my pussy as a bottom… I just want it all!

    I want to be safe, so I’d rather have married men or at least young professionals want me. It can be difficult to filter out the undesirables. I can usually tell by their responses if they are educated, and I equate “educated” to “safe”. I’m sure this is not 100% true, but it is useful.
    So, to-date, through 2011, I figured I have sucked 132 cocks and spent more than $1,000 on outfits and porn. I would like to stop, but I can’t. I think my next step will be to get fucked, maybe even service a group of men, who fill me with their seed in both of my openings at the same time, & cover my lingerie clad body with their sticky manhood!
    Mmmm….

    Randomly, out of the blue, I was contacted by a prior “flame”. In one of my purges, I had deleted my email account. A year later, I reinstated it, and he found me. I don’t know if I will go back to him, he’s local, but I might.

    You men with high testosterone and raging hard-ons, just don’t know what its like to be on the receiving end. Wanting a man, depending on him taking you, fucking you until you wimper, gladly accepting his load of manly seed. I do! And I love it!

    Time passed… January 2012

    I’m traveling. At dinner. Dressed in pink panties and white thigh highs under my suit. Yes, I’ve been drinking. Yes, I want cock!

    I am just realistic about my health. I have sucked so many cocks, and have never had an issue. No STDs. No AIDs. Wow. Am I lucky!

    On this trip, I so could have brought my outfits and served as a cumslut! I have a suite for a hotel room. Thank goodness that I did not bring my wig, heels or make up… or I’m sure I would have acted out. When I need cock… I just NEED cock! Like now!

    Anyway, I just brought panties and stockings with me, knowing that I would watch porn, fantasize and masturbate. I want cock! But I am scared…

    My friend, Dick, may be a good solution. I trust him and believe him to be safe. He could fuck me. Allowing me to be Erica. And I wouldn’t need to worry.

    Oh, what to do…

    Early 2012 (March 2012):

    Well, I have tried, once again, to stop, but I just can’t do it. My latest adventures included:
    ♂ While in Richmond, VA for a weekend business trip in March, I went shopping. I found a costume store and purchased a new blue wig. I also found a shopping mall and bought a couple of new outfits (skirts, panties, bras, garter belts, and heels) and some make-up. I was fully stocked and ready!
    ♂ In my hotel room, I tried my to use my new iPhone for taking some movies and pics. Some were sideways. Opps! Oh, well, it was fun. I was nervous about being able to delete any trail of my activities from my iPhone. I couldn’t make a mistake and have someone at work, or my wife, discover my videos.
    ♂ Next, it was on to NM. Returning home from a week in Albuquerque I posted on CL for the night. I had a suite at the airport prior to my early morning departure for home the next day. I had brought some of my things, and shopped some local porn shops for some more stuff. I purchased lube and condoms “just in case”. I went down to the complimentary happy hour to down a couple of cocktails, and then posted on CL before returning upstairs to change. My post received hits right away and I set up dates. One guy promised to bring a bottle of wine, but I had brought up a double vodka on the rocks, anyway. I dressed in one of my new outfits, put on my make-up and waited.
    ♀ My first date, Steven, brought the wine. He liked my outfit and although we tried to be polite and enjoy the wine, we ended up in each other’s arms, his erection pressing against my tummy and his hands up my skirt on my panty-coved-ass. Before I knew it, I was laid on the bed and he was fucking my face. He lasted a long time and wore me out with his big, hard cock. At last, he pulled out and came all over my face! I loved it, but also knew that my make-up would be a mess. Before he departed, I had him take a couple of pics of my sperm-coved face. These are now boldly posted on my xHamster website: http://xhamster.com/user/ericalace. (I have posted quite a few cum shots and facials. Not sure that this is a good idea as someone could recognize me, but it is fun to do.)
    ♀ The next of my dates, Jay, came and then came in my mouth quickly. I swallowed and smiled.
    ♀ My next date was quite sexy. He worked at the local airbase in security and he dominated me in a way that was caring but in control. He fucked my face on the bed, I sucked him on my knees and he finally jerked off all over my smiling face. Very nice.
    ♀ My final date jerked off on my face and I was done for the night. I cleaned-up, removed my make-up and went down to the hotels open bar and dinner (still wearing my panties, garter and stockings under my man-clothes. Then to bed, still dressed. I had to get up at 4am for a flight home. Add another 4 cocks to my history.
    ♂ Now I cruising the internet for potential dates for when my wife will be away early next month. I hope to find some sperm-action close to home.


    Then it happened (2012 Summer):
    Early in the Summer, my wife found a hidden envelope. It contained a used condom (it was used but clean except for my pre-cum residue), pills of Viagara and two flash drives. She thought I was cheating on her or using prostitutes. The truth might hurt her more. I love her so much. Why can’t I stop myself from doing this?? I confessed that I used all of the items in the envelope to masturbate. She reluctantly believed me. I just don’t know if she scanned the photos on the flash drive or even read this diary. OMG! I hope not. I’m sure she knows that I’m a crossdresser and that I take pictures of myself. I just don’t know if she has seen them and how that has affected her. I just don’t want to lose her.

    Update – April (2012)
    I’m sitting at my laptop in NC, dressed only in red panties. Pre-cum has created a dark spot on the front panel. I’m planning my cock sucking plans for tomorrow night. Instead of posting for cocks, I have responded to postings in Craigslist for M4T. One guy responded, only wanted a smooth T-girl, so we had to part ways. I got two other responses that sound promising, but until they show, one never knows. I think one just wants a blowjob – he claims he is a big cummer (that would be nice!). I think the other man wants to fuck me. My business meeting should end by 3pm, and I plan to visit Fredericks of Hollywood. I love to go there, even though I really don’t need anything. Looking at the lacy things, and thinking what it would be like to be a woman, wearing them, and having sex! I could perhaps use a white or black garter belt, and I always enjoy buying panties, so we will see. After FOH, I’ll get back to the hotel, toss down a cocktail, and get ready. I can’t wait! Report to follow.

    Later…
    I did post on CL after all. I couldn’t help myself. I just needed cock so bad! In my room at the airport Embassy Suites now after I had a few Vodka-rocks at the Manager’s reception. I have dressed as Erica and await possible responses from dates…

    ♂ Anthony was my first. Definitely a BBC. I was able to take some pics of me sucking his cock. We had a great time. He came in my mouth, which I let spill down my chin and onto my black top.
    ♂ Rick was next. A quick jerk off on my face. Nice.
    ♂ Then, a big white cock. Sucked for 30 minutes. He didn’t come but I did (in my panties! The feel of the stretchy lace on my hard cock was just too much, and I climaxed. My datee played with my cum). He wanted to fuck me. I wanted it, too, but was scared, so after I came, things just fell apart and we didn’t continue with the fucking idea.
    ♂ Another guy stopped by while my BWC was there but didn’t want to come in and participate

    My drunken night of cock sucking (3) ended, and I went to bed dressed in my lingerie.

    Update – May (2012)
    I continue to vow to stop acting out. I love doing it, but feel so badly afterwards. I worry that I could catch some STD and harm my wife, or my family. Yet, I continue.

    This trip, again to NC, was perfect. I had very little to do. A casual business evening, with several cocktails. Then back to my hotel room at the Embassy Suites, in time for the complimentary cocktail reception. Under my man-clothes, I dressed in stockings and panties and went down to the reception. I downed a couple of cocktails, and used my laptop to post on CraigsList for cock. My erection tingled in my panties as I posted. Hitting the “post” button is such a thrill!

    I refreshed my double vodka on the rocks and went upstairs to do my make-up and wait for responses. I was so excited.

    I had a lot of interest, but mostly guys who just wanted to email endlessly. I hate that! I was able to get three cocks to come over.
    ♂ The first two guys were unremarkable. I was so fucking drunk, that I actually recall little. I know that I sucked them off, and that they came on my face and chest, but that is all.
    ♂ I had two no-shows.
    ♂ The third and final cock was a well hung black guy. We talked. I dropped to my knees and he relaxed on the sofa in my room. My head was spinning as I did my best to please him. When it became obvious that this guy wasn’t going to be able to climax, he offered his apologies and said he would leave. He helped me to my feet. I stumbled on my spike heels and fell. He laughed, and helped me up again, and departed.
    drunk and alone, I slipped off my heels and wig. Then, I slipped under the covers, still wearing my stockings, bra, and panties, and feel asleep (passed-out) quickly..

    The next morning, I was just so hot for a cock that I had to try one more time. I had the morning free, a Saturday morning. Still in my clothes of last night, I posted on CL seeking a man/men to please. I cleaned up, touched up my make-up, slipped on my heels, and put my blue wig back on. I was ready, and although my head was cloudy, I was feeling sexy.

    I didn’t have to wait for long. Two very solid leads came in. A couple of weaker “hey, baby” replies I ignored. I arranged my dates and waited. While I waited, I surfed xHamster and watched facial porn…always inspirational. There was a knock on the door…

    A handsome, trim, mid-30s white guy smiled at me as I opened the hotel room door and he looked me up and down. He came in quickly, and walked over to the sofa. As he dropped his shorts (he had nothing on underneath), he saw that I was watching facial porn. His face lighted-up. “Nice!” he said, “come here, bitch.”

    I went to him. He had me stand and turn around for him. Feeling my panty-covered ass and cock, he smiled. He pressed on my shoulders to kneel in front of him as his eyes were glued to the show on my computer.

    His cock was already at attention, and I went to work. Slowly at first, I took his cock in my hand and, looking up at his face, kissed the tip of his cock. He smiled and his cock twitched. I lowered my mouth on him and he moaned softly. I began moving my hand up and down on his shaft, and working my mouth. Then he stopped my hand, and said, “pinch my nipples, you bitch! Just use your mouth”

    I did as he instructed, and rather enjoyed the challenge. He had great staying power. He wanted me to kiss and suck his balls. “You can’t hurt me, bitch.” I heard him say. “Go ahead.”

    “You want me to fuck you, don’t you, bitch?!” he smiled down at me. My eyes must have shown my shy interest. He lifted me to my feet and had me bend over. He pulled my panties aside, at which point I stopped him. “Safe sex only,” I insisted. If I hadn’t, I knew he would have pushed his hard cock inside of me then and there.

    “You have condoms?” he asked. I replied by getting to my feet (I was more steady on my spike platforms than I was last night) and moved to the bedroom (I had a two-room suite) to retrieve my condoms and lube. He followed me eagerly.

    “On the bed, bitch. On your back and open your legs”, he commanded me. I pointed to the condoms and lube and I dashed to the bathroom to grab a bath towel. I really haven’t had enough experience with anal sex to know if I would bleed or not. I spread out the towel, dropped my panties, and laid back.

    He took control, pushing my stocking-covered legs in the air and opening them. He started playing with my erection. “Please don’t. I don’t want to cum. Not yet. Please…” I begged him. I was serious, not just role playing. I knew I had a second cock coming to see me and didn’t want to loose my passions too early by climaxing.

    He answered that he wouldn’t, but continued to play with my excited cock. “Please don’t,” I pleaded. He answered by wiping the pre-cum off on my cock head and wiping it on my lip stick covered lips. “Do you like that?” he smiled.

    “Yes” I replied. With that, he took his condom-covered, lubed cock, and pushed it deeply into my ass with one long, slow push. I knew to push back on his pressure. He moaned from pleasure, and I moaned from the sensation of his cock pushing into me. The pain subsided quickly, and he slowly began pumping me. Our thighs made a slapping sound and I could hear the bed springs creek with his thrusts. I was on my back, legs up and open, as he stood at the foot of the bed. He held my legs up as he thrust into me. At last! I was so excited and now knew what it felt like to be a woman getting fucked. Reading my mine, he asked “You like that, bitch?”, looking down at me as he thrusted.

    “Yes” I replied. I really did like it. And so did he. My man reached down to play with my erection as it bounced from his thrust. “No, please…” I pleaded again. He laughed but continued to play. It was all I could do not to cum. The sensation of being fucked like a real woman, and having my cock masturbated by my stud, was threatening to send me over the edge.

    Abruptly, he stopped. “I want you to suck me, bitch,” he said and pulled me to my feet. Leading me back to the front room, he restarted the xHamster facial cumshot video, adjusted the monitor so he could see it clearly, and directed me to my knees in front of him. He pulled his condom off, and dropped it in front of me. I didn’t need any further instruction. His erection awaited my lips, and I complied.

    I did all I could, including pinching his nipples. Finally, after at least ten minutes of my sucking, he asked breathlessly, “Where do you want it, bitch? I’m going to cum…”

    “Cum on my face,” was my excited reply and I pulled his cock out of my smile. Looking up and watching his face, as he watched the video, I saw him move his hand to his shaft and begin to masturbate. I smiled and positioned myself under his pumping hand. With his other hand, he grabbed my hand and moved it to his nipples. I knew he wanted me to pinch him, so I did. Hard!

    Finally, with a grunt and a shudder, he came on my face. He had several spurts of cum for me. I watched his satisfied face as I felt his sperm drip down my face on onto my lap.

    Without another word, he started to dress. Just then, there was a knock at the door. We looked at each other.

    “My other date”, I said as he motioned me to wait before opening the door. He dressed. I cracked the door and said to whoever was out there “hold on”. A moment later, I opened the door to allow my 1st date to depart and my second one to enter.

    A large black man, named Reggie, came in, passing my exiting date without a word. He didn’t seem to pay attention to my apology for my previous date. He just moved to the sofa. With an eye on the facial video still playing, he dropped his trousers. I dropped to my knees and began to play with his cock, kissing his black cockhead. He pushed my head down to his lap, and I began working with my mouth. He continued to alternatively watch the video and my action. It wasn’t long before I heard him say, “Oh, shit. I’m going to cum…”

    “Will you cum on my face?” I asked. He replied by taking his erection in his hand and masturbated. Since he was seated on the sofa still, I turned around, legs pointing away from the sofa, and laid in front of him on the carpeted floor. I looked up at his hand stroking his cock. Moments later, he came. A couple of spurts on my face, and he was done. I smiled and sat up. “Thank you”.

    “Thank you,” Reggie returned as he stood and pulled up his pants. Moments later, he was gone.

    I went back to my computer to watch the facial compilation video. Erection stretching the front of my panties, I replayed my morning’s activities. I was satisfied with my womanly performance and wonderful fucking. I was so horny! Reaching down to my panty covered cock, I stoked my erect shaft through the white lace, quickly masturbated and came powerfully in my panties! Two (2) quick blowjobs and a good fucking! What a day!


    The next day…
    I was depressed again. What had I done? Had I exposed myself to catching a STD again? What if I got caught by my wife with my stash of girly things? How could I explain it? Would she leave me? I was feeling so low.

    I know that the only answer is to get rid of my Yahoo account (again). I had already deleted all of my email accounts right before this trip, but I had brought my sexy clothes with me secretly dreaming of acting out. Then, just before I posted on CL, I created another Yahoo account. Argh!

    So, I deleted my new email account. Step two, if I was serious about stopping my double life as “Erica”, I knew that I must get rid of all of my clothing, and my thumb drives with porn on them. Yes, I have gone through this purging process several times in the past. The result was good in that I stopped acting-out for months. But, I always returned. This caused me to repurchase my wardrobe and morn the loss of some of my favorite sexy items. I still recall a favorite pair of sheer red, frilly panties, a short pleated plaid school girl skirt, a sperm-stained black top…

    Okay. My wife will be away in mid-month. I am resolved to remove the enabler of my addiction. If I can at least get rid of the wig and heels. That will prevent me from posting as a woman seeking a cock. I can keep the panties and stockings for wearing and masturbating. I think I can resist posting as a M4M as I’m not attracted to gay men. I just want to be used as a woman.

    By my count, I have sucked 146 cocks (that I can remember), have had 2 attempted fucks, and 2 successful fucks. Not bad. But I have to stop before it kills me or my wife leaves me! I want to suck cocks, but I so want to enjoy a happy, and safe and trusting, marriage. Can I do the right thing?

    To be continued (again)…

    “Final” Chapter June (2012):
    I have purged 90% of my “Erica” stuff: panties, bras, shoes, wig, make-up, skirts and tops. Unable to part with everything, I kept three string bikini panties: pink, white lace, and red, and a red garter belt along with red, white and black hose.

    My intent is just to use this lingerie to fantasize and masturbate with, and on. I sent the many pics of me as “Erica”, many cum covered faces, to an email account, just to keep them. I also saved some of my fantasy stories that I wrote and some of my favorite porn pics from the Internet. I have deleted all of my thumb drives of my thousands of downloaded pics (2,134 to be exact).

    Let’s see if this takes hold. I want to stay married to a woman who has been very tolerant of me. She knows or suspects a lot, but if she knew the truth, it would really hurt her. I owe it to her, and to me, to stop this fantasy, escapism, life style.

    Will this really be my “Final” chapter of my story?

    Wish me luck and God Speed.



     
    Prolog (Summer) 2012:
    Well, my wife found my last not-so-hidden treasuries. Maybe I want things to get found?? They are now gone. So, I am 100% clean from Cross Dressing. Heading into the Holiday Season has always been a tough time for me. Wandering around in stores and seeing all of the sexy clothing has a way of driving me back on my addiction. So, I’m glad that I am purged, healthy, and happy. So far, so good. But I know I will miss those sexy pink panties…


    Fall (Sept 2012)
    It happening. I’m starting to think about all of the wonderful excitement of cocksucking again. Damn! Time just blots out the guilt, pain, and danger, and all I recall is the excitement of arranging dates, dressing, and performing as a woman. Why do I love it so? I have found myself thinking about it non-stop. My drinking has increased, and I’m worried. But, what can I do to stop myself?

    Halloween is just around the corner. This means that brightly colored wigs will be readily available. I just know that I want one. Then it will be the “gift-giving” holiday season and I will justify strolling through the well-stocked stores and looking at women’s underwear and clothing. I am starting to set aside spare cash, and Viagara pills. I have spent all day at work today in updating this manuscript. Over the past weekend, fantasizing about cock sucking, I recorded any memories I had for my story and have updated this document with those items.

    Its happening.

    I have reopened several email accounts. I also went to my current xHamster account that I just couldn’t close, but did my best not to visit. I reactivated my prior account: Ericalace (restored)

    As a side note, one of the reasons I kept an xHamster account was so I could monitor the pics and vids I had posted of myself. It was a crazy thrill, but I posted lingerie, masturbating, and facial cum shot pics of me, as well as several vids of me all dressed-up and fucking my ass with a large rubber cock, as well as vids of me masturbating. I didn’t want to lose these, nor the many contacts they had generated.

    Its happening. I am praying for help to keep me safe and sane...

    I have taken private time in the office to write in this journal and to transfer some of my saved porn files back to my thumb drive. It provides me with an escape from boredom and a thrill in my loins to do this.

    I have even begun to think-through my shopping list and needed items.
    Here is my list (I enjoy shopping the “sale” racks to save money. Sometimes, items don’t fit well or look as I’d like. Also, I know that at some point, these items will be thrown out. I don’t like to shop at specialty Lingerie stores anymore, like Victoria’s Secret, etc. They are overpriced and I stand out too much when I’m there. Fortunately, there is no travel in the near future where I will have time to myself. Two trips coming up are fully occupied with other people and I will not have a car. Safe!

    But…if I do find myself compelled to shop, my likely scenario will be:
    1. Shop the discount sale racks at Kohl’s for a top and skirt – tight, black
    2. Shop at Penney’s to see if I can find the same pink and white panties that my wife just threw out. They were string sided bikinis, and very silky and stretchy to accommodate a hard cock.
    3. Find a Halloween store and purchase a pink or blue wig.
    4. Check Target for a garter belt and bra set, as well as stockings. If not successful, try Walmart or Sears. Also, brose for any inexpensive choker necklaces.
    5. Begin checking at Payless Shoes for sandal footed spike heels, size 10.
    6. Finally, in two visits, go to a d**g store to buy my make-up, condoms and KY.

    After that, I will be ready!
    ;-)

    Update:
    I went shopping on the way home from work yesterday. I made a premeditated trip to Target to see if they had any bra-panty-garter belt sets. Their website indicated one model, which was on closeout. I was so excited to plan and then visit the store. Here is what I bought:
    ♀ Black low cut, halter top, silky short dress – it was on the clearance rack, reduced from $25. It was an XL, but at that price, even if it doesn’t fit, it was worth the gamble. Cost $8
    ♀ Matching off-white Garter Belt, push-up bra, and thong set, also with a clearance tag. List $10 + $ 20 + $8 = $38. Cost $19
    ♀ Black thigh high, lace top, stay-up stockings. Cost $8
    ♀ Choker necklace that is more of a Halloween item than a piece of jewelry. I will try it on to see if it looks ok. If not, I spotted some options in collar-type necklaces for around $15. Cost $5
    ♀ Purple wig. I had a choice of pink, purple or teal. I thought that the pink was too aggressive. I was torn between the teal and the purple, but selected the later. Thank goodness it is Halloween time so these kinds of wigs can be found. Cost $8.
    ♀ Total cost of $48 vs. a forecasted cost of $140.

    My biggest savings came from buying the clearance dress rather than a skirt and top. Hopefully, I will look good in this dress. I think it will be very short and show off the tops of my gartered stockings, make a view of my panties easy, and allow my pussy to be accessible. The matching thong will likely be joined by the acquisition of more panties, and the bra was a 36C, so it may not fit. I need to find private time to try on everything, and a safe place to hide everything. My track record is not too good. Right now, they are stowed in a trunk area storage compartment.

    I’m already starting to fantasize about arranging for my next session. Since work travel opportunities don’t seem likely, I’m hoping to plan a weekend get-away to our place in Maine. If I can do so, I will need to decide if I want to host in our home (what I have done successfully before. It is risky but convenient – I will be “house sitting for a buddy”), or do I want to get a room at the local Holiday Inn for Friday afternoon & evening, plus Saturday morning (risk of missing a phone call at the house but maybe a better option than hosting at the house).

    My posting will likely be something like:

    Visiting CD Seeks Maine Men
    I am a MWM, traveling through on ____________. My hidden secret is that I enjoy crossdressing. Do men in Maine enjoy using a CD for their pleasures? I will dress for you and service your manly needs as you direct. I enjoy giving blowjobs, receiving facials, and serving as a bottom. I will only be in town on Friday evening and Saturday morning of this week. I can host. Like me, you be clean, safe and discrete.

    Now, to decide on how best to host…and when! I’m going to encourage a group session just for (my) fun. This can be a challenge and some guys only want a private servicing. If I do a group, using the hotel room idea may be better for control, discretion, and clean-up.

    If I go up early on a Friday, I will post on Craigslist on Wednesday as T4M and/or T4MM. Its exciting to think about the posting for a group, but it may limit the number of guys who go to CL to look for a CD/Trans. I can’t wait!

    Update:
    Although I dreamed about how best to schedule me next session, I think that my pleas and prayers were answered. I love cock sucking, but I know that I shouldn’t do it (for a variety of reasons) and, given the opportunity, I am powerless to stop myself from role playing as “Erica”.

    Two things happened:
    1. My wife has been very attentive and loving lately. She knows, and understands that she can’t trust me to be left alone (although I don’t think she fully appreciates how deeply I am into being “Erica), and her ability to continue to love me, and want to grow old with me is so very moving and important.
    2. Opportunity vanished. We discussed my planned trip to ME. Not wanting to push too hard, knowing that doing so would raise red flags, we agreed that a trip north for either of us this fall was unnecessary.

    So, the demon has been repressed (again), for now. I will continue to build my wardrobe in case an opportunity arises, but with the support of the Lord, and my wife, perhaps I can keep the opportunity to act out to a minimum. We’ll see.

    Update:
    I’m alone again. I’m just wearing my new ivory color lace panties. It feels so good to be back!

    I’m laying on my bed watching xHamster cumshot compilations, I want a cock…no, “cocks” in my mouth so badly. The sexy girls getting their smiling faces covered with delicious sperm…so exciting! I tried on my new outfits with mixed success:


    I went downstairs in my dress, stockings, wig, and lace thong to check the Internet. No one is home, and I only need to be careful what may be viewable through the window. I felt sexy but really wanted my heels and gartered stocking on my legs instead of the thigh highs (which have a run already). I went to the J.C. Penney’s website to see if they show the panties I loved so much and that my wife had thrown out. They did! Nice. Stretchy string-sided full back bikinis, either in stretch lace or solid pastels. Then I looked at heels and wigs at Kmart and then heels at Payless Shoes. By this point, my cock was aching for attention, so I went to xHamster to watch one of my saved cumshot compilation vids. Within two minutes, I had a hand full of my cum! Ah! I am back.

    Now to get cleaned up and back in my man-clothes before anyone gets home. My lack of travel may be for my own good, but I need to suck some cocks soon!

    Update:
    I’m in the basement “watching TV”. One daughter is upstairs while my wife and other daughter are out. Again, I’m dressed in my new black thigh highs, and white thong. Nice.

    I returned the choker and bought a nice new wire necklace with a hanging gold medallion. I can imagine it bouncing back and forth as my head bobs on a dick or as my pussy gets fucked. Nice.

    Not all good news, though. I have already run both of the stockings, the thong is too loose to contain my cock, and the wig just won’t do. I researched heels, panties, and wigs earlier today and plan to go to Kmart soon for the heels and wig, then to Penney’s for the panties. Shopping is fun, but I would like to complete my outfit soon. I may go to a downtown d**g store this week to buy some “food” using my credit card. Actually, I will be buying condoms, make-up and false eye lashes! I’ll just tell my wife the story about the food to explain the charge transaction.

    Last night, I fantasized about telling my wife that I was a crossdresser. At first, she was mad and didn’t want to talk about it. Then she pretended that it wasn’t true (denial), and finally she accepted it and wanted to know more. I told her my history as a crossdresser, leaving out the adult book stores, and my numerous encounters with men. I did use this as a background to my obsession with porn (which she knows about). I was credible and she accepted this new revelation by her husband. The reality of this hypothetical situation is that she would just not want to know about it, but in my fantasy, she appreciated me “coming clean” and went so far as to reward me with the many bags of sexy lingerie she had discovered, and that I thought she had thrown out. I got back some wonderful things! That would be so nice. I couldn’t see ever dressing in front of her, but if she could accept that my crossdressing was okay as long as no one else knew, I could dedicate a dresser drawer to keeping my sexy under things going forward. Oh, well, one can dream!

    I want to be prepared if a potential trip to Richmond materializes for the week after next. If I can justify this bogus trip, I could go down early, post, dress and perform all afternoon and evening in my hotel room. It could be such fun. Richmond is a poor area, so I’d have to come up with a way to screen-out people who are unclean or unsafe. If I could stay at a Holiday Inn, I could get more points for a possible future trip to Maine, too.

    So, for shopping over the next week or two:
    ♀ Walgreen’s downtown for condoms and KY,
    ♀ Penney’s for panties,
    ♀ Kmart for wig, heels, and stockings,
    ♀ CVS for make-up, Halloween eye lashes, and regular eye lashes

    Well, I’d better get cleaned up and prepared for returning wife. TTFN.


    Recent purchases::
    ♀ Black thigh high, lace top, stay-up stockings. Cost $8. Runs already and need replacing. Kmart $4.99 for two pair
    ♀ Returned choker necklace that was more of a Halloween item than a piece of jewelry. Returned and purchased a gold hoop necklace with a pendant $5
    ♀ Didn’t like the look of the purple wig, so I returned it and bought a blond page boy wig at Kmart. Same price.
    ♀ Condoms $6 + KY $4
    ♀ Eye shadow $3 + lip gloss $2 + blue mascara $5 + rouge $5
    ♀ False eye lashes and adhesive multi-pack. $18
    ♀ Total cost of $73 vs. a forecasted cost of $190.

    So, here is my remaining shopping list:
    1. Shop the discount sale racks at Kohl’s for a top and skirt – tight, black (optional)
    2. Shop at Penney’s to see if I can find the same pink and white panties that my wife just threw out. They were string sided bikinis, and very silky and stretchy to accommodate a hard cock.
    3. Look for heels at Kmart or Payless Shoes - sandal footed spike heels, size 10.

    Almost ready to transform into Erica, although, with the thrill of shopping, I will likely buy more sexy things.

    Update (late October):
    All I need now is panties! I bought silver spike heels (Payless Shoes $15) and black stay up hose (Kmart $5). I checked Penney’s for my favorite string bikini panties but only found sexy, but flimsy, lace bikinis that wouldn’t restrain my hard cock. I need to find nice, soft string bikinis that feel good and hold my cock in place! Penney’s doesn’t carry the string bikinis that I adore, but I found them, on-line at Sears. Now I am excited thinking about when I can stop at Sears. I love shopping for panties!

    Update:
    My old “flame” found my email account again. He knows that, when I cancel my email, I always reopen the same user name six months later. I don’t know what to do. Dick is a “cock”, but he can’t cum due to a prostate procedure. He is an older gentleman who serves me wine, treats me like a lady, and then wants to have gay sex. If I can convince him to allow me to stay in person, as Erica, and then have him try to fuck me, maybe it would work. I’m not sure. We have been on-and-off for several years now. I want occasional cock and seed; Dick wants a regular relationship with a gay male friend. Is his empty cock worth the trouble?

    I’m traveling back home now. I watched an incredibly exhilarating xHamster video this morning. Somehow, I stumbled on a vid of a guy fucking a clear inflatable doll. What was so much fun to watch was his cock moving in and out of her transparent pussy, and what it looked like to see him explode his manly seed deep inside of her. Too cool! When his cock erupted, you could see the sperm shoot inside of her in a pool of white, and then leak down his shaft towards her opening. I so wanted to eat her cream pie! Watching his white sperm getting deposited inside of her was so sexy! I went to his account and noted some of his comments that lead me to believe that he, too, was a pre-mature ejaculator. I wrote him a note but he wasn’t accepting comments from transsexuals. This was odd as he was wearing hose and heels as he fucked his make believe woman. Anyway, what a thrill.

    I’m planning to stop at Sears on my way home tonight, hoping to find those panties I like. I have no idea when I will be able to dress again, but when I can, I will be fully prepared.

    Update (10/3/12):
    I did stop at Sear’s the other night and was able to replace my favorite pink and white lace string bikinis that I has lost the last time my wife found my things. I am wearing the white lace ones now. I’m in the office and am headed down to visit my mother tonight and tomorrow morning. I decided to dress in panties, garter belt and black hose during my day in the office. I changed in the men’s room, scared that someone would walk-in on me. I was in a stall, but had to remove my pants, shoes and socks to put on my sexy things. I had just buttoned up and flushed the toilet, when another man came in. He didn’t see or suspect a thing. Now, I am sitting at my desk, secretly wearing my feminine outfit under my man-clothes. Hope no one can spot the little knots made by the clasps of the garters through my pants!

    My decision now is a choice between:
    a. Posting on Craigslist for a cock, or two, between here and the beach area. Considerations:
    i. My wireless access is messed up and the technician is due to look at it today. Without it, I can’t safely access the Internet to post or check for responses.
    ii. Time: do I have enough time to post and respond?
    iii. Time: do I have enough time to detour, stop and dress, and perform before needing to get to my mother’s?
    iv. Quality of men: I checked the current TFM and MFT posting and was not impressed by what I saw. Rough, rude, in search of passable trannies…
    b. Contact Dick for a quick fuck. Considerations:
    i. Since he can’t cum, is it really enjoyable for me?
    ii. I would enjoy dressing in front of him and sipping wine, but would the expected chatter be boring? I just want sex.
    iii. Dick wants a relationship. I want sex. If I start back up with him, he will bug me to come by more often, which I just can’t do.
    c. Go shopping. Considerations:
    i. I could use a better fitting garter belt and some colored hose. Of course, panties are always exciting to buy. I could stop at a mall en-route and shop.
    ii. There is an adult bookstore on the way. I could also stop there to brose. They may have colored hose. I hate to spend money on porn CDs or magazines as they are sure to be found. I could also look for a replacement dildo for the nice cock that I lost the last time. Its fun to play with and video myself getting fucked.
    d. Go straight to my mother’s, have dinner out, have some cocktails, and then make up a story about meeting a couple for drinks and go cruising. Considerations:
    i. Rehoboth Beach is a major gay hangout. I don’t want gay men, per se, and I’m scared to go trolling due to the higher risk factor of consorting with other, active gay-bi men.
    ii. Where would I go?
    iii. Will I have wifi connections so I can post for cock(s)?

    So, the next time I write, I will tell you what I did…

    Erica Returns (October 3, 2012)

    I posted on CL. My first hit was one of those brusque “one liner” responders. I didn’t like him from the beginning. He won’t answer my questions or say anything other than “where r u?”. Three other responses looked promising but location and timing just didn’t work out. Finally a good response came-in and included a nice cock pic. It looked like my cock (nice shape with big cut cockhead) but only better. He was thicker, smooth, and beautiful. We arranged to meet at a convenience store just off my planned route of travel.

    I left the office, the feel of the gentle tug of my garter belt straps on my thighs sent an exciting tingle through my body as I walked. I was going to do this! I stopped at an adult book store, which was along my route. I was tempted to buy a dildo to use on my pussy for practice, but decided to wait on that purchase. Nothing else caught me eye. I then drove about 45 minutes to our meeting spot and parked. I had sent my “date” a description of me and my car. I was early and waited…and waited. A middle eastern man drove up and parked next to me. He got out and we made eye contact. He was also waiting for someone. Was this my cock? It was after our arranged meeting time, so I rolled down my window, held up my five fingers, and asked “are you meeting someone at 5 o’clock?” He answered oddly and I wasn’t sure if this was my guy or not. When nothing happened after another ten minutes, I decided that I needed to go. I drove away, still unsure of the guy I spoke to. At the next traffic light, I noticed a strip mall, and… a sign for “Desires - Lingerie and Novelties”! Cool! I would go shopping for colored stockings and maybe another garter belt.

    Before I went in, I checked my iPhone to see if my guy had contacted me. His handle was “Stiffy Johnson”. And there was a message. He had overslept from his nap and had missed all of my emails. Could I still meet him? “Yes!” I replied. I still wanted to go inside the shop, so I did. They had a good selection of lingerie, so I picked up a pair of red stockings and a pair of white stockings ($18) and then I hustled out to go meet my man.

    I drove back to the Royal Farms convenience store and noticed a man in a pickup truck who held my gaze as I drove by. Since I had no description of my guy, I parked and waited. Around came that white pickup, slowly moving. Our eyes locked, and I nodded, trying to project my thoughts: “Yes, it’s me. Your cock sucking Erica”. Of course, I didn’t actually say this. He smiled and motioned for me to follow him. We drove two miles to his place, I think it said #2026 on his mail box – good to remember for later. We parked, said hello and went inside. He offered a bathroom for me to change and went off to shower himself. I was so excited.

    I slipped out of my man clothes. It was nice to have my stockings, garter belt and panties already on. My cock was stiff against the stretchy white lace of my new panties (I had swallowed a Viagara on the way down). Pre-cum had already created a damp spot on the front panel of my panties! To begin my transition into “Erica”, I first put on my new blond wig and admired myself in the mirror. I then slipped on my new heels, and my bra. With shaking hands, I unpacked my makeup. I wasn’t going to do a full makeup job as it would be too difficult to clean off in my hurry to get back on the road (I was already running late). I had difficulty putting on my false eye lashes. I was so excited that my hand trembled. I put on some light eye and face makeup, and touched my lips with gloss. I stepped into my short black dress slipped the halter tie behind my neck. Picking up my cheap gold hoop necklace, my trembling fingers affixed the clasp. I looked up at the mirror behind the sink, and admired “Erica”. She was back! The cocksucking, sperm loving, slut!

    Balanced on my 4” heels, I moved out to the living room. He was waiting for me, dressed only in silky athletic shorts. I could tell that he was a body builder…and that he was excited to see me! He admired me, lifted up my dress to view my hard cock in my white panties, and my white garter belt holding up my black stockings. “Nice. Very Nice” he smiled. I felt pleased.

    I moved to him and we held each other, his hands groping my ass. I kissed his neck, but didn’t want to overdo the affection not knowing what he was interested-in. I was excited, my Viagara-hard cock pressed against the stretchy lace material of my panties, and I was worried that I was going to cum on the spot! I pulled away and softly dropped to my knees. His shorts slid off easily and his cock stood at attention. It was beautiful, even better in-person than in the photo. I kissed the tip of his cock head and it twitched. I heard my man groan as I slowly lowered my mouth on his hard shaft. Oh, how I loved this: dressed in my new sexy outfit, on my knees, with a wonderful cock in mouth!

    I started working my magic, slowly and lovingly. I then put my fist around his erection and began to stroke him in rhythm with my sucking. At one point in my sucking, I looked up and asked “when you’re ready, will you cum on my face?”

    Stiffy smiled down at me “Sure, it that’s what you want. I’d like to fuck you, too.”

    We discussed safe fucking and we were moving to prepare, but I just couldn’t leave his wonderful cock alone for even a moment. Knowing my time was short, I suggested that, instead, he have me sit on the sofa and he could fuck my face. He agreed. I moved to sit on the sofa and he straddled my chest. His eager cock found my mouth and he began to pump in and out of me. My own cock was tingling in my white, stretchy lace panties under my silky dress. Again, I was afraid that I was going to cum right there, without even having to touch myself!

    Then he said “Oh! I’m going to cum…”, so I moved back to the floor, stocking-covered legs stretched out in front of me with my back against the sofa, and looked up at him, eagerly. He had one hand on his shaft, urgently pumping and he used the other hand to move my blond hair out of my face so he would have a clear shot. I watched his face grimace in pleasure as he worked his fist. With a grunt, he emptied the contents of his cock on my upturned face! With several spurts, his sperm fell on my face and into my mouth. Oh! This was so nice! He grunted and moaned as he jerked off on me. When he was done, I tilted my sperm covered face up to him and kissed his sensitive cock head. He smiled and twitched in appreciation. Then he lifted me to my feet. “Nice”, he smiled.

    I moved back down the hall to the bathroom to see myself in the mirror. Yes! I looked so sexy: long blond hair, long eye lashes, white cum dripping down chin. I went back out to ask him to take a photo of me with his phone. I knelt down and looked up, like I had been doing moments before. He positioned me in the light for a better picture, and then snapped a photo. He showed my cum-splashed image. Yes, Erica was back!

    I went back to the bathroom to clean up and change back to my man-clothes. Before I undressed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled at seeing the sperm still on my face. With my cock tingling, I gently guided the globs of his sperm to my lips, scooping the white liquid with my finger. Then, I eagerly licked my fingers and smiled at my image in the mirror. I was happy… and still excited. OMG! Feeling my passions rising, I knew I was going to cum, with or without help! I placed my hand on my silky dress and over my panty-covered cock. I was rock hard from the Viagra and excitement. My body twitched as I touched myself, and I held back a moan of pleasure. I couldn’t help myself, or stop what was coming. With just four firm strokes on my shaft, I came. My body shook and tensed with pleasure. I could feel my cock erupting in my panties. I stood frozen for a moment, with my eyes closed. When I looked down, I saw three trails of my white cum dripping down my black stockings. I had forgotten about the stretch lace of my white panties and how my sperm must have just pulsed right through the fabric as I ejaculated. I could feel a wet spot on my dress where my hand had mashed the material against my exploding cock. Oh, this felt so good!

    After enjoying the moment, I knew that I needed to get back on the road to resume my travels. I would have liked to have kept my sexy things and my make-up on, but knew that I couldn’t show up at my mother’s like this. Reluctantly, I set to work in returning to my manhood. I removed the wig and splashed water on my face, and used a cotton ball to wipe away the little make-up I had applied. Still in my stockings, I felt a wet spot on the floor and realized that I must be stepping in a pool of my own semen. I smiled, and leaned down to clean the floor with some toilet tissue. My load of cum must have been larger and more powerful than I thought. It has shot out of the lace front of my panties, had run down the inside of my dress, then down my stockings, and finally to the floor. Nice! I then undressed, pulled on my boxers and stuffed my girly things back in their plastic sacks. I finished dressing, looked at my image one more time in the mirror (I looked normal – other than a slight flush from my orgasm), and then went out to say good bye. Stiffy greeted me and I sensed that he had enjoyed our time together. We agreed to do this again (which might actually work), and he indicated that the next time, he wanted to fuck me. I agreed. We shook hands (it felt natural but was kind of odd, to think about. I had just sucked his cock!), and I dashed off, late in my travels to see my mother.

    Erica is indeed back. #147 is completed.

    Update (11/16/12):
    Its Friday night. My wife is out for the evening. What should I do? I’d like some cock, but don’t want the hassle of posting. I still can’t find a reason to meet-up with Dick. He can’t cum. He’s older than me. He wants a relationship. So, although I have an opportunity to go see him, I have decided not to go. Instead, I will go shopping.

    Later. So, I went to Sears at the mall and found a “clearance” XL black bustier with silver studs on the padded breasts and nice elastic garters. No matching black panties, so I will have to find something that coordinates with it. Yes! It was exciting to be shopping again. So I bought it (and browsed through the racks of panties). I can’t wait to wear my new corset, attached to white or black hose, on my back, legs in the air, and “stiffy” fucking me! Nice!

    Next on my list is a black “choker” collar necklace, red and black string bikini panties, and a white or red garter belt. I hope to go shopping again next Friday night when my wife and daughters will be away. Although I would love to make love to “Stiffy” (he has told me that his friends call him “Bubba”), or meet-up with some new cocks, I think I will relax for the weekend and just be by myself. I can enjoy a cocktail, dress, take some pics, and then masturbate. Maybe I will go out for dinner first. I could wear some feminine things under my clothes and maybe apply a touch of light make-up that only I could detect. That could provide a sexy thrill for the start of my weekend. More to follow.


    Update (Friday 11/16/12):
    I gave up my opportunity for a date, and a fucking, with Bubba. He just seemed lukewarm in his emails back to me. A girl needs some romancing, you know! If he had come on stronger, I would have gone down to see him. Now, I have decided not to go out tonight. So, then I started watching cum-compilations on xHamster and just watching the cocks unload their cum in the mouths of those girls! Hmmmm! Nice! Now I want a cock! But driving to Bubba is an hour’s drive, so I won’t go. Sad.

    Earlier that day, I had researched “garter belts” on-line at Sears, Kohl’s, Penney’s and Macy’s. I checked Victoria’s secret as well, but they are too expensive. I found a sale price on a garter belt at Kohl’s but nothing noteworthy anywhere else. So, I went to Kohl’s to shop. To my delight, I searched the panty department and found what I was looking for: a sexy pink with black lace garter belt and panty set. I scooped-up a size small garter belt and a size medium matching, full-back bikinis. I didn’t buy the matching bra, but I did buy a black sting bikini panty to go with my new bustier… which, I might add, I am wearing right now! I went home with my treasures and changed. Now, I’m at TGI Friday’s for dinner. On the outside, I’m wearing jeans and a sport coat. Underneath, I have on my new bustier, black panties, white stockings, gold choker pendant necklace, my false eye lashes and just a touch of make-up. I’m wearing my eye glasses to reduce the risk of someone noticing my eye make-up. I don’t want anyone to notice… or do I? Hmmmm….

    My waitress is a sexy, petite thing, named Diana. My (Viagra-enhanced) cock is hard in my panties. I feel so sexy! I’m on my second Grey Goose on the rocks and I can feel my sexual restraint slipping.

    I hope the cups of my bustier don’t stand out too much. I feel so sexy sitting here in a public place. My jeans can cover my hard-on in my panties. I just want a cock…

    Here’s dinner…more to come, or cum!

    I’m eating and typing at the same time. Diana, my waitress, checks on me frequency. She holds my gaze when we talk and my cock twitches in my panties! I’m not sure, but I think she detects my eye make-up and false eye lashes. She doesn’t let on, if she does notice. She just smiles sweetly. She certainly isn’t turned-off, either. Already into my second vodka-rocks, I really don’t care. In fact, just the possibility of her suspecting, is sexually exciting!

    Forlorn for some cock, I decided to send an email to Dick. I was drunk and just needed loving. Thankfully, he did not respond. I finished up and decided to drive home. I could feel the tug of my garters on my legs and the nylon stockings rubbing under my pants, as I walked to the car. Nice!

    Once home, I fixed a vodka rocks and I went upstairs to check my make-up. I liked how I looked and touched-up my lips and roughed my cheeks. I went back downstairs and, as to be expected, went back to my xHamster account, kind of like the moth to the flame. I had several invitations to respond to and a couple of messages. I was hooked. Before I knew, it, I was watching porn videos and fantasizing about what I saw: facials, cumshots, smiling woman. So, I did it. I opened-up CraigsList and checked both Delaware and Philadelphia. No posting of M4T looked interesting. Shame. So…hesitating, I considered what I should do. I was mostly dressed, with my makeup done. My wife was away and would never know. What the heck! I posted!

    The subject line of my posting was “Anyone need a release?” I described what I wanted to do: “Anyone just need to release their manhood down the throat of an appreciative CD? Even car sex would be fine. I just need a cock and seed now...”, and attached a couple pictures of “Erica”, and a couple of smiling girls receiving their facials. I submitted my post, my heart was racing. The vodka kept me from thinking about the consequences of what I was doing, but I was so excited. I sat back to wait for the responses.

    Within minutes, hits started to arrive. There must be so many guys who check CraigsList for sex! I always found this part thrilling. The expectation, the excitement, the possibilities. I received the usual one-liners, and requests for more pictures. From experience, I know these never materialize into something more than endless emails. Even the guys that seemed real were just too far away to drive. Then an interesting hit came-in. The guy sounded articulate and was in a hotel out by the Philadelphia airport. This, too, was a bit of a drive, but in my light headed and horny state, I decided to do it.

    I accepted his invitation, printed out a map (that I needed to remember to destroy after I returned), gathered my girly stuff, and headed out. I was still dressed under my jeans and collared shirt. I removed my socks, and wearing loafers, just hoped that my pant legs would hid my white hose-clad ankles.

    I arrived, parked, and went it. I had his room number. I walked through the lobby, with throbbing music coming out of the lounge. I made it to the elevator without anyone noticing me. Then, as I went to get on the elevator, a young (mid-20’s) girl got off. She looked at me, and I think she noticed my makeup. She looked at me as the elevator doors slide closed. I smiled to myself.

    When I arrived at the room number I had been given, his door was ajar. I knocked and I heard a male voice call out, “come in”. So I pushed the door open and did just that. A handsome, mid-40’s guy smiled at me, and indicated the bathroom I had requested in my emails, to get changed. I smiled and went in and closed the door. I slide out of my jeans, stepped into my little black halter top dress and heels. My excited cock pressed against the stretchy black fabric of my new string bikinis. I was so excited!

    Atop my spike heels, I stepped out into the bedroom. My friend wore a white, tight, Under Armor top and jeans. His look and smile make me think he may be gay, but what a body! He was sitting on the bed, and now he stood to greet me. He smiled, “nice”, as he admired me. I always liked this part!

    We held each other and then, without a word, I dropped to my knees. I slid his jeans off and then he pulled his top over his head. “Wow!” I said. “What a nice body. You must workout a lot”. He indicated that, yes, he did. As I slid his boxers down, his erect cock jumped out to greet me. It was beautiful! He was shaved, and his cock was stiff with excitement. I kissed his cock head and his cock twitched. Reaching up with my hand, I lowered my mouth on his erection, and lost myself in my passion.

    He interrupted my blowjob and lifted me to my feet. We hugged and he held me back to look at me again, his eyes scanning my body and my outfit. Then he dropped to his knees!

    Oh, no! I thought as he slipped my sensitive erect cock from my panties and lowered his mouth on me! “Ah!” I heard myself moan, “Careful…ah! Ah! Shit!” and I climaxed. I was embarrassed but he didn’t seem to mind. He sucked me off to completion.

    “You were excited!” he said and he stood again, indicating that I could resume my sucking. My head was dazed from my climax, but I again sank to my knees. His beautiful cock, standing straight-out, begged for my lips. I submitted, using my mouth and hands to masturbate him. I wanted his cum!

    He didn’t last much longer than I had. With a grunt, he pulled out of my mouth. Holding my head with one hand, he began jerking off with the other hand. From my position on my knees, I looked up to watch his face as he looked down at me. With a sudden shake and tremor, he shot his load on my face and into my mouth! Oh, nice!

    When he was done, he helped me to my feet and smiled. I moved to the bathroom to change. I smiled at my image in the mirror as I passed the sink and went into the bathroom. I lifted my dress to wipe my face and then stepped into my jeans and put on my shirt over my dress. Sexy! I removed my wig, but left on the eye lashes and make-up. With my glasses on, I should be able to pass. My head was spinning from the sex and the vodka!
    I went back to the bedroom area. He was dressed. We hugged and he promised to get in touch if he was in the area again. I departed in a daze and made it to the car with no one noticing. I loved this!

    Somehow, I drove home. When I arrived I double checked my email for more Craigslist responses. With the taste of sperm in my mouth, I would have gone out again to give another blow job! Alas! Only one-liners and picture requests. So, I went upstairs. I looked at myself in the mirror. My make-up was a mess and one of my eye lashes was missing. Hmmm… I will have to remember to look for it around the house and in the car just in case I dropped it here. I removed my make-up, and undressed down to my black silky bikini panties. I slipped between the sheets, feeling sexy and satisfied, and instantly fell asleep. #148 What an evening…

    Update (early December 2012):
    I’m in a “normal’ phase now. After my October activities, the typical remorse sets-in and I get back on an even keel. I am going to keep track of my “cycles” to see if I can identify a pattern that maybe I can impact. I have started a tracking spreadsheet, “MoE CD Phase Tracking”. Can I detect the onset of “Erica” and attempt to prevent it from developing? Or is that just who I am and I can’t change my behavior? I hope to understand my phases.

    My sexy wardrobe, hidden in my office file cabinet, is complete, but I still want a Victorian choker necklace, or a strand of pearls, and a red or white garter belt…



    Published by blkice2u
    11 years ago
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    blkice2u
    blkice2u Publisher 11 years ago
    THE MORE YOU READ THE MORE YOU WILL DESIRE...I WRITE ADDICTIVE STORIES.
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